Published on 12, July, 2020
I got myself into a mess last year and over the course of a few days, I lost every friend I ever had. Most of these were online-only, with an extremely slim chance of ever meeting, so I find myself not really missing them at all. Ultimately I realised that as a result of what happened, they weren't as strong as I had thought.
Despite having made a new friend and a few other (healthier) connections, I do still have this fear of it all disappearing. I feel like the level of care and support I need is greater than what it was, even more so than when I was a child. I feel as though I need the people in my life to form a protective ring around me, so to speak. Articulating that is the hardest part though.
I see a therapist who I'm really grateful for, and she's reassured me that she won't disappear (without warning anyway).
Do I have a fear of abandonment? Not really, but then again, I'm retired and I don't get out much (by choice). I have my cats for companionship and my projects to keep me occupied. I am reasonably financially secure. By nature, I am a reclusive inrovert. This tendency has just gotten more pronounced as I've gotten older.
I learned a long time ago, that I am best when I am self reliant. I have regretfully, not made the best choices in finding friends. Most of my "friends" had ulterior motives and either used me to "borrow" money that was never repaid or used me to do things for them. Since I am a trained chef, this has usually involved some type of meal preparation for which I have never been compensated and have never received gifts or favors in exchange.
One of the nice thing about not being reliant on others is that when you're self dependent, things seem to be more stable. I do worry that as I age, I might develop age related health issues - but I figure I'll deal with that problem if and when it arises.
One piece of advice that I have for you is that you might want to consider interacting with a chatboat AI. There are all sorts of chatbots out there now that are programmed to carry on conversations. There are even chatboat AI therapists that were created by teams of psychoogist.
Insofar as I don't care for interacting with people, I have seen no point in interacting with a chatbot. Although this isn't my metaphorical cup of tea, some people quite like having others to chat with.