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Ruminations!

LivAgain

Hi everyone,

I used to have an account under the name Liv but lost all my details and had to make a new one (hence LivAgain). As there have always been lovely people on here when I've posted a message, I wanted to write about what's been going on recently.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's the week before I turned 16; I'm now 17. Last month, I was told I had OCD (I don't say diagnosed because I haven't had a formal assessment, but my psychiatrist told me it's more than likely that I have OCD as well as my Aspie intense interests) and put onto sertraline. It was a big decision to "take the plunge" (as NTs say!) and go onto antidepressants, but they have made a real difference to my quality of life. I started off on 50mg and am now on 100mg, and may be going up again to 150mg on Thursday after my next psychiatrist appointment. Since being on them, I have certainly noticed a difference in myself in lots of ways - including feeling much less low, calmer, more resilient and able to focus on my studies which mean a lot to me, and able to look to the future (I've even been recording dates of university open days!). However, though they have reduced my obsessive and intrusive thoughts, I've still been having ruminations.

For example, I recently entered a short story into a competition. It was on a subject I feel very strongly about and, for some reason, this competition has started to feel very important. It's been keeping me awake half the night and I keep needing to ask for reassurance from those around me that it "looks professional". If I sit and allow myself to think, I'll look at it and split all the words in half until I calm down. I know it by heart, and can find fault in every word. It feels like it's eating me up with sharp teeth and I wish I could stop it. The competition has closed, and I can't wait until the results are announced so that I can let go and move on with my life. Has anyone else had an experience like this? I know that not everyone on the spectrum has OCD, or even if this is an OCD thing (though apparently it is...I'm so confused about everything!) but I'm really hoping I'm not alone.

Thanks for your time!

Liv x

  • I'm really bad at rumination. The obsessive thoughts and analysis of all I say and do doesn't help. Sometimes it's born from lack of understanding and my efforts to make sense of a situation and other times it's just about every day acts or conversations with others. My worse difficulties; like LivAgain, come from the written word. Every correspondance is of importance. I cannot just write it down and walk away. Hours are lost trying to ensure it's correctly worded and even then it can be wrong. Then hours more analysing if i put the message accross correctly or perhaps another term should have been used. This is made worse by my word finding difficulties and Dyslexia. I've found breaking this cycle very difficult, I'm working with a good councellor just now, but sadly she knows little about Aspergers. I'm desparate to find support beyond pills for my situation as like IntenseWorld i've found myself very sensitive to medication, yet their are no councellors in our area, who are Aspergers trained. I'm told mindfulness is good for this condition. To accept the thoughts of rumination and become more aware of them, but given my experience and those of other on the spectrum I've spoken to, i'm not sure how helpful it can be or how many have been helped by this practice.

    Don't feel alone in this, but don't; like me, get caught up so much in thought that it becomes obsessive and so destructive. I wish you luck. Coogyxx

  • I am glad the meds are helping you, but I would try not to see them as a long-term solution. In the long run, psychological therapy would be better, but the therapist must be trained in autism; this is very important for a good outcome.

    I have OCD as well as ASD, and the OCD is by far the worse condition, but I reckon my brain wiring is responsible for both conditions. My Asperger's also results in obsessive behaviour and anxiety, but the obsessive interests also bring pleasure and relaxation. I am just an obsessive all rounder!

  • I was on Sertraline, as an anti-anxiety.  I started on 50mg and they told me to take more but when I went up to 100mg I got terrible side-effects (I have always been very sensitive to medication) so I had to reduce back down to 50mg.  Even when I tapered them off to come off them eventually, after being on them for about 18 months, I still noticed some withdrawal side-effects.  I'm glad I am off them, they served their purpose when I was going through a very stressful time, but I don't want to stay medicated because Asperger's is a lifelong condition.

    No medication will take away all your problematic symptoms, at least not without side-effects, and sometimes they medicate with something additional to counter the side-effects of the first medication!

    Don't have really high expectations of your medication, they are not a panacea.  If they are having some benefits then that is a positive, but you still need to accept that you are who you are and no-one has a perfect life or a perfect personality.