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Conflicting needs- what’s reasonable?

CM

Hi, advice needed!

I recently joined a social group for autistic people at my university, the first meeting was more enjoyable than I anticipated but I really struggled with one of the participants who had a loud voice. While I don’t want to expect other people to have to mask a lot in this situation, I definitely felt uncomfortable and found it quite overwhelming. 
Would it be reasonable to ask the organisers if they could speak to this person (who has been going for longer than I have/seems to have a good rapport with the organisers/staff) and ask them to lower their voice? I feel like an ass asking them to moderate themselves in a group like this but equally I’d really like to keep going (I have very few friends my own age) and don’t want to snap at them by accident.

(please note I don’t think I’m the only person who felt a little like this, several other people also became more open/talkative after they left)

  • in reply to Fibonacci Squid

    I like this answer. If they are autistic, then they are less likely to be offended than an NT.

  • Yeah I have this problem with a person from my course.

    The issue is, they have a disability that causes them to be loud and to struggle controlling when they speak. So we're both being affected by our disabilities in conflicting ways. 

    The solution I found is that I put my fingers in my ears when they talk, but I went and explained it to them before hand in private and they totally understood and were fine with it. The neurotypicals in the class less so, but it's none of their business. 

    Rather than talking to your teacher, who may or may not understand, I recommend talking directly to them. Explain it's a disability and you'll take steps, but it's not because you don't want to hear what they say. 

  • in reply to CM

    The brain in a tank thing made me laugh because I know exactly what you mean Joy

  • in reply to Noodle

    Yeah I know I interrupt/can be too loud/dominate conversation as well if I’m not careful, I feel like they probably just don’t realise but I don’t want to upset them/make them feel ostracised. I’ve not tried loops (although I’d like to I don’t think they’d work for me) but I worry I wouldn’t be able to hear other people in the group. 

  • in reply to SpikeyMark

    Yeah I wondered if having a staff member talk to them about it would be ok but they might still feel bad either way. I don’t think headphones would work in this situation as I’d really struggle to hear the other people in the group who I’m speaking to (as the louder person often interrupts as well so I fear all I’d be able to hear is the louder person). I know what you mean about conflicting sensory issues, I hate both the feeling of my teeth being dirty and brushing my teeth- sometimes I think it would be easier to be a brain in a tank!

  • That’s definitely difficult because your uncomfortable yet they would probably not realise that they are doing it, I used to speak loudly because i don’t know I’m doing it, I’m hyper sensitive to noise I would end up placing my loops in and see if that helps

  • Sounds difficult. I would feel the same way because loud voices really grate on me. But it's part of who he is. I wouldn't want to make them feel bad. I don't have any tips other than the usual headphones stuff.

    I can get even on my own nerves with my sensory stuff - for example. I hate shaving. I really hate it. But I also hate an itchy hairy face. I basically shave about every 5 days.