Published on 12, July, 2020
I dated an autistic guy 7 months ago and i still like him, we are just friends now and i am dating other guys, he is OK with this.
Since then he wont date me again and i believe he has made reasons for not seeing me again. He lost his job, he is stressed out, is a lost soul, and recently has said he doesn't want a girlfriend. When we dated and were intimate and he seemed uncomfortable, i think he just went along with it, he did like me but he couldn't and still doesn't express any feelings. He almost seems robotic. I think hes never wanted a girlfriend or wants to be intimate, he said at the beginning he is lonely and i think the dating scene was to feed that loneliness at the time and to try to fit in. He has confidence issues and i believe he is on benefits so that could also be a reason for not wanting a girlfriend. He has trust issues, he doesn't have social media and is very antisocial. sometimes his communication is very limited. I know autistic people don't like change and this could be another reason it is difficult for him to be in a relationship.
Does it take time for an autistic person to trust someone and want to have a relationship despite their personal challenges?
It has been a difficult time for me trying to understand him as nothing has made sense, but i can see the good in him and reasons why i want to continue dating him. It just seems impossible.
It would be helpful to have a view from someone who understands his situation.
I'm not 100% sure but it seems likely as his conversations around intimacy have been a little odd. I think his sexual desire is very limited, i believe this is common for autistic people. Yeah i agree people in general are not interested in dating autistic people because they are different and it is difficult to connect and understand them. Exactly the point, you have to understand them to be able to have a friendship, they do care they just dont show it. It certainly has been an interesting conversation :)
Wow that’s not the first time I have heard of a guy with autism being a virgin that late on in life. Not judging though. Everyone’s experience is different. Yeh many girls are strongly turned off by the oddness observed in autistic men. I also think many men are turned off by autistic females for their distantness as they can often be seen as sociopathic rightly or wrongly. But this is a judgement free space we are all just here to learn more. Yes also lacking caring abilities is common in autistic people for whatever reason. This is why autistic people can be often seen as quite cold and lacking in empathy. Again before anyone calls me out I am not saying this to upset anyone but we can all work a little on our empathic abilities. Sometimes it’s admitting that and being honest that counts. I have a friend that just doesn’t know how to react when I am upset. I was crying the other day because someone I know is ill and they kinda just didn’t react at all probably because they don’t know how to. Luckily I am able to understand this and accept that I am never going to get that emotionally supportive side from this person however we can still be friends. Aw thanks I really appreciate it. That’s very kind. Well I have certainly enjoyed this open minded conversation we have been having. I have learned a lot as I am sure you have. We really as humans need to talk about things openly and honestly and yeh just be open to other opinions and criticisms.
He is 40 and I'm certain hes never had a girlfriend or had sex before, i think he finds the situation overwhelming and uncomfortable he has no idea how to behave when a girl likes him, he was very good at the start to get my attention then it has slowly deteriorated in 7 months. Aww thanks, yes he is lucky, i doubt he will find another girl that will want him as much as i do, i mean he is odd and many girls wont want this. He clearly doesn't care. He says i moan at him a lot, thats because he is very selfish and doesn't consider my feelings. I'm dating other guys now so i am moving on, i was just keen to know what other people thoughts are. Aww you seem lovely too
Yeh I mean he kinda sounds like a bit of a d*ck no offence. At first I felt sorry for him but now I just think yeh he’s a d*ck to be treating you like that. Hey I sent you a friend request if you want to chat tomorrow or something. I am away to bed folks. Good night everyone
Aw what a shame and tbh he shouldn’t be treating you like that. So sorry to hear your upset. What a lucky guy getting a chance with a kind girl like you. Damn honestly I would be the luckiest guy to find a girl that cares about me as much as you care about this guy. I mean you keep giving him chances that shows how caring you are. Don’t let him get you down. It’s not worth it if he has issues he shouldn’t be making you the brunt of it like that. Better days ahead. But yeh I certainly if I got the chance I wouldn’t waste it for sure. Good girls don’t come around too often these days.
that is very kind of you and im sure you have helped many people. Well I have been frustrated with him many times and it used to bother him when we had a disagreement but now he doesnt seem to care he becomes distant and doesnt talk to me for days. The r.s has deteriorated and that upsets me.
There has always been a reason why he wouldnt meet up, first it was the distance then all the other reasons i have mentioned, it seems hes never wanted a r.s in the first place so i feel hes made me believe in something that was never going to happen.
Wow everybody needs to calm down! What is this mating season or something? Everybody is going on about relationships for some reason. Let’s all just calm down and stop getting agitated here. The girl explained her reasons why she is concerned and frustrated with the man’s lack of ambition romantically. She’s not even saying his reasons aren’t good enough. She just saying she wants a man to be romantically involved with but he seems not interested. I gave her some advice everything is good. Let’s all get along now.
Yes it does take time, it feels like we're expected to be intimate to early in a relationship and some of us like sex but not the relationship sided of things, just like NT's.
It sounds like you're feeling rejected and not handling it very well, you like each other and get on well, why is that not enough? Do you never feel like that with NT's you've had relationships with?
Nobody likes feeling under pressure, especially romatically or sexually, it makes us robotic as we go through the motions to keep the peace or because we don't really know what or how we feel yet.
He's told you why he dosen't feel able to continue the relationship, why are his reasons not good enough?
True. We don’t know best no one knows best. Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet. Hell I don’t even know what’s best I try my hardest. I come on here everyday giving emotional support to people I don’t expect anything in return I just do it because I can and I want to. Because it’s what I feel is right. It makes me feel good about myself. I feel obliged if you will. I see people struggling and I want to help them it’s my nature. It’s not a problem. You seem like a nice and understanding person. This guy should really see that. Your frustration is felt by a million ppl tbh. You’re not the only one remember you’ve got friends on here. We will always give pointers for the right direction.
It frustrates me tbh nothing you can say can change them, this is why they are trapped they think they know best. He has qualities i am attracted because he is autistic, i mean i dont need him to tell me he likes me, i know he does. Thank you for your help i appreciate it.
Ah maybe it is. Best of luck to the guy. I’m sure you want the best for him too. This encapsulates how everyone feels about autism. No one wants to get rid of autistic people all we all want is for them to be free like birds set free from a cage. Autistic folks should enjoy life they really should. God I almost want to cry haha. Yes also totally get it. Relationship issues are inevitable with someone who cannot express their feelings. But don’t worry this does not make autistic people less than. It makes them special they need more help. This is the ticket. Hey if you ever need to talk about stuff you can PM me if you want. Feel free and take care.
A girlfriend seems too complicated for him, it is shame as we get on very well and i did have a connection with him and still do but yeah i cannot wait around for him as it is very unlikely that he will change. Aww It is a challenge dating an autistic person which is why mostly relationships don't succeed
Aw no it’s totally fine. We’re all here to support each other. Such a shame isn’t it? Poor guy. Maybe it’s just accepting that he might never let you in as heartbreaking as that is. Aw it’s such a shame poor guy. But I guess you can’t wait around your whole life for him to change or explore his self. I get that most autistic folks buckle after the first dating hurdles. So sad hey don’t let it get you down though. I’m sure he will get himself all together soon. I also dated an autistic girl and found her to be very distant and similar to your guy just trapped in her own world. I respected her and let her be. Time to look for another girl who is good for me too. Sadly I couldn’t form a connection with her either. No spark there sadly. But hey good luck to you. You do deserve it though we all do.
I think you are right he certainly is trapped in his own mind and can't act on anything, i often think of it as hes i trapped in this world that is different to everyone else and doesn't know how to get out. Yes, i want to get to know him deeper but he wont let me in. I still talk to him but its not how it was before. Thank you for your advice
Yeh sounds familiar. I have had similar experiences with other autistic folks. You stole the word right out of my mouth haha - robotic. That’s exactly the right description I would have too. Sadly there is now way that you can make him change he is autistic. Autism is a chemical imbalance he is the one who has to seek out help with his chemical imbalance. From the sounds of it he may not be seeking treatment right now. But you cannot make him seek it but you can encourage him too. I understand you see the good in him. Does it feel like the good is in there and it won’t come out? Does it also feel like he’s just dying to break out of his shell or tiny box he’s in? If it does you now understand what autism is. He is trapped in his mind. Does it also feel like you want to get to know him on a deeper level but he won’t let you? If so then yes that’s autism. That is the very essence of what it is. I feel the truth is that he really probably does want you but is probably so trapped in his mind that he can’t let himself. He can’t express it. He can’t act on the thought in his head to tell you he likes you. It’s sooo understandable and I totally empathise with him. It sounds like you’ve got a real gem there. Maybe keep pecking away at him and you might find something you like or even you don’t like. But if he wants to be left alone then fair enough leave him be but always leave the door open theee for him. So yeh that’s my advice hope it helps you.
hes over complicates everything. Yes, everyone is different although i can relate to some of what you have said as he has said the same
Every autistic person is an individual, just like people in general. I can remember when I had a couple of years of unemployment after leaving university I deliberately did not follow up on possible relationships because I thought I had nothing to offer. Autistics are often very moral, sometimes inappropriately rigidly so. I believe that I am somewhat demi-sexual, in that I need to be emotionally involved and very comfortable with someone before I can contemplate being physically intimate with them. Once that emotional connection is made I have no problem with intimacy, sexual or otherwise. But, like I said, all autistics are not alike.