Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m hoping someone can offer some advice.
I am 22 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I was diagnosed with autism several years ago but am still coming to terms with what the diagnosis means to me.
my boyfriend is neurotypical and I feel like he doesn’t understand my way of thinking. Recently my bluntness has put a lot of strain on the relationship as I will say things that hurts his feelings without intending to. For example, he mentioned that since stopping going to the gym he doesn’t have a six pack and I mentioned that he doesn’t. It’s things like this that make him feel hurt which I understand but don’t know how to stop this as I often say things without a filter.
He mentions that these comments are putting him down and I want to change but I struggle as I don’t realise I’m doing it and am unsure how to change.
Has anyone struggled with something similar or have any advice?
Thank you! That makes a lot of sense to me and is really insightful. Haha hopefully I get better over time
Thank you so much, I will look into everything it’s super helpful! :)
Hi and welcome to the community.
I'm really sorry to hear of your and your boyfriend's struggles.
It sounds like you might both benefit from couples therapy or counselling with an ASD-experienced professional. Is this something that you think he might be open to?
You might be able to find someone suitable in the NAS Autism Services Directory. Other options include searching via the BACP or Psychology Today websites. I haven't also linked to them, as posting too many links at once can cause posts to get quarantined for moderator approval.
I'll also suggest the following book, perhaps to read before and/or alongside therapy / counselling. It aims to help autistic / neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises for you both to do and discuss.
Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner - Paperback - 3 May 2012 - by Cindy Ariel
(It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now diagnosed as Autism Spectrum Disorder).
Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the gender pronouns around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can become confusing at times and I find it very frustrating, as I keep needing to check / remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the trouble is worth the effort, I feel.
The NAS also has some related advice here:
Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people
Yeh sometimes you have to lie to people if it’s the right thing to do. In that case you would say something like. ‘Oh no I still love you for who you are.’ Or 'you don’t need a six pack to show me you love me so how about we get a six pack of beer instead and let the good times roll’ or ‘you are more than a six pack to me, your like all the guys with six packs put together’. These are some good examples of things you could say in the future. This shows to him that you love him and he means something to you. Whereas just saying ‘you don’t’ is not what he’s looking for probably by saying that he wants you to say something back to him like what I have wrote here. Yes you’re welcome for me improving your relationship. Don’t mention it. Haha. As for being blunt. It’s an autistic trait it’s a feature of the overactive mind. But you can still improve.