Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone
The guy I've been seeing for the past few months (I posted a message here before) took me back to his hometown to meet his family recently and everything went very well. He was really pleased with how happy his family were and how we got along so easily. He explained to me afterwards that he wanted me to meet his family as he needed to see what the overall vibe would be like as this is important for him. After we returned home he seemed a little sad. When I asked him what was wrong he said he felt a little guilty and worried about my emotional wellbeing as he feels that he should put more time aside so that we can spend more time together instead of just seeing each other on weekends (or in most cases on alternate weekends). He said that he needs so much time to focus on his special interests as well as his job and he is worried that this will become a problem. I tried to explain to him that he shouldn't worry himself as I understand that he needs time for his interests and that we should continue to take things slow so that nobody feels pressured to make big future plans anytime soon. He seemed almost reassured after I explained this but still seemed a little sad at the same time. We then spoke about him meeting my family as he had raised this topic recently. He said he would still like to meet my family very soon. I understand that things have not been easy for him at all in the past and I also understand that I may never be able to fully understand his perception and why he thinks the way he does. I am a bit concerned about his mental wellbeing at the moment and was wondering if anyone could help me understand the situation a little better. I want to be supportive to him and I want him to feel comfortable with the way things are at the moment and not to feel pressured. Does anyone have any advice or insight into why he may be feeling this way? Did I handle things well for the time being?
Sadly, its a long game to play, over time interests may wane, and then they will have time, however you are entitled to want more of their time, not all of it naturally, so its a case of communication and trying to get something that works for both of you, from my personal experiences here as I cant speak for anyone else, it takes me a long time to get fully comfortable with someone before I can let my guard down, however once the guard is down, i allow people into my space.
The only way forward is effective communication and time with compromise, for example you could branch out to spending more time together as maybe asking if one week he has where he has the whole mid-week to himself, and the next you spice it up with say a wednesday together, and slowly build from there.
Another idea could be, to see if he will let you get involved with his special interest, for example if its gaming and that is something you arent into, maybe spending time chatting and watching him play the game, show an interest and then he can gift you the knowledge You may also find if you join in with their interest, you both may find something enjoyable, i think its going to be a long journey, but if you can push through it with the communication, your relationship will flourish.
Hi Rob
He actually talks about his special interests a lot with me. Quite often he will send me relevant links via text for articles about his interests. He seems in his element whenever he talks about it with me and he can talk for a long time about it too. He does admit he feels burnout quite a lot and it's one of the reasons that we don't really do phone calls or video calls because they are more time consuming and they can eat into his spare time. I don't want to take up too much of his time. His family are from a different culture as well so there are a lot of expectations from his family where he either has to travel to see them for the weekend or they will travel to him. I guess you could say that they are a very close knit family and that's why he wanted to make sure that I would get along with them all. At first I did feel that he just wanted interested in me and that he didn't want to progress things but now it seems to make more sense. I'm just glad that he's been upfront about his struggles and his concerns about my wellbeing. At least it proves that he does care and he does like me for who I am. Thank you for the insight also. It has helped me understand things a little better
I can identify with this issue. I have a special interest that took over my life for many years, and to some extent even now. Its a very geeky interest so its not something I share with most people. Is he embarassed by his special interest like I am? Another thing may be burnout , does he struggle with his job and feel exhausted by it? Juggling you, his interest and work may feel overwhelming to him? It took me unil 35 to be ready to bring all of my stuff together and then I met my wife. You are doing things the right way by giving him time and heing understanding.
good luck
Rob
Thank you so much for the response. I guess I'm just worried that he's getting nervous or anxious and this could interfere with our relationship development if it isn't handled well. He keeps saying that it's not me it's him. He shows all the classic signs that he really likes me when we are together (body language, trying to keep eye contact for longer, initiating physical contact and even calling me cute and complimenting me randomly). He has only had 2 previous relationships and admitted that both women expressed dissatisfaction due to the amount of time he would spend on his special interests. They both said they felt neglected and unwanted. I have been clear with him that I am patient and I understand how important these interests are for his mental wellbeing. The only thing I'm wondering about is how would things be able to develop if he is going to struggle with maintaining close contact and communication?
I think you handled this perfectly fine in my opinion, just if he is anything like me, even though we are happy about being told that we are understood, we will always have that niggling doubt in our mind asking "is it really okay?"
The fact he is showing interest in seeing your family is a good thing, sounds like he has had a few past relationships however where his special interests got in the way and seeing things go well with you may have caused a introspective moment, where he has thought "Will he/she be okay with me needing my specical interests"
I praise you for being able to communicate and want to support him, its a lovely thing to see, the best thing to do is take your time and show him that his interests don't get in the way, the term of "actions speak louder than words", of which i have a feeling you are showing and this will put him at ease
overall, good job and all you can do in my eyes is what you are doing currently.