My Wildlife holidays.

just wondered if you might find this interesting 

in relation to the compulsive behaviors I mentioned it doesnt does make things diffucult at home and here. when im at home I dont like things that waste any amount of minutes away from my family and I cant be away from them for half an hour otherwise thats time taken away even if there busy and i find it hard when they have to leave and do stuff. alot of this is based on Anxiety and also that i have no friends and due to events that happened at college and after.

so I dont like being away for a long time but my compulsions do do that. I have almost got into trouble cause of them

for instance I have been told to hurry up lots of times Iv also been told I need to come when asked and been told things like your never going to end up doing this or that at this rate.

here in the care home i have got into trouble with the manager for lateness and alsi been had a word with for not wanting to do certain things i can do and things like that 

after I started here I developed these compulsions that I didnt understand. that I have now after I started here where I tired myself out by haveing to constantly repeat certain actions for as long as half an hour or an hour which made me feell more stressed 

I went through a period wherw i literaly completley went off writeing and swore not write again cause it was too stressful 

in 2014 every time I wrote I had to write the same thing over snd over again or write a certain way over 

or my brain would tell me what to write and not write but there was some things i needed to write and so if I wrote I would have to scribble some words out even though they arnt mistakes to make me feell better but it made me stressed and I would keep doung it more and every time I wrote but if I didnt my mind thought something bad would happen. it caused so much stress I got stressed every time I had to write something so stoped writeing entirely and got other people to do it for me if i had to say sign my name at doctors or dentedts snd things like that cause of it . but eventualy got back into it again. 

 I also got  stressed out about the repetitive nature of personal care cause these triggered or worsenef my compulsive behaviors. some every day things were aswell like haveing to open and close a cuboard to put things in or haveing to open and close a draw to put cloathes in or whatever. it wasnt absoloutly everything but only certain things like that. 

people mis interpreted this as just refuseing to do things i can do myself cause i just cant be bothered and thinfs like that i did tell them im not but they didnt understand 

I have had to tell Mum also when in a rush im not doing things on purpose 

I have since developed new compulsions based on more anxietys and stresses i deal with in the care home  even though i cam still do the old compulsions if triggered 

new ones were haveing to switch the tap on and off a certain way repeatedly a certain way and I would get more and more anxious and feell more compeled each time until it feells right 

another new one that came up is switching my light on and off. if i did it wrong i had to do it again and again and again amd again and usualy count how many times 5 normaly needs to be the number of times for most of mg compulsions if i went past that I got more anxious cause it had to be 5 but if i did it wrong i would have to do it even more times idealy 5 but 10 at the most although i have done it 30 or 40 times before as I normaly count and it makes me more anxious until it feells jist right once iv done that it provides temportary relief until i feell like i need to do it again either later or the next day and the next day after that. if i do it correctly i dont need to keep doing it and if i manage to do it 5 times but if i do it more than that i have to keep doing it. 

thankfuly iv managed to go down to 1 now but if i do that wrong it triggers the compulsion of i need to do it 2 times if that goes wrong i meed to keep doing it over and over until it feells right. its almost like i hope it will take my anxious thoughts and feellings away and its like a way of trying to get rid of the anxietys that are usualy based on the care home. but can also be other things and that if i do it just right it will get rid of them but they come back cause my mond thinks unless i do it something bad will happen

anothet one i have which is more recent is avoiding the tap at home in the kitchen cause i get too stressed out cause i cant stop switching it on and off ovet snf over so I ask Mum to do it so the compulsions dont set off 

so certain things trigger the behaviors usualy stressful events or things that you require me to do an action that triggers the behaviors. particularly if i notice patterns and due to my autism noticeing patterns around me is something im very very good at. 

im not asking for others exspeeriamces as before when i brought it up but shareing my exsperiance just like I do with my autosm amd everything else on this thread. 

It is really interesting, Zo. You have a lot of self-awareness about these compulsions, so I hope that you can learn to overcome them more.

It is really interesting, Zo. You have a lot of self-awareness about these compulsions, so I hope that you can learn to overcome them more.

I have sent you a private message.

ok.

I will read and give some thoughts later tomorrow afternoon. Bed now and busy morning for me until 3pm. I will read it, though.

but yes it is interesting. my mimd very generous to me you see as below this comment that is what it is 

it is. i dont know. the thing about them is they arnt ones where you  can control them  even though your aware of them and it isnt related to my autism or learning disability.  

stressful events trigger compulsions but even though i know what triggers.  the compulsions i cant actualy control the compulsions when they ocur.  and none of them have actualy gone away. 

tthe writeing one for example was when the compulsion got too exausting.

it  got bad enough i couldnt write anything. there are times the compulsions i have are worse than others 

 with the writing it was  to avoid haveing to do the act that would trigger the compulsion.

if the compulsion to repeate  wasnt there i wouldnt of stoped writing.

 the triger for the compulsion - when I  put the pen on the paper and do a  letter shape in order to write a word or sentence the fear was that one of my anxietys would happen if i didnt do it a certain way or didnt do what my braiin told me  to do and not do.

it was like i was being told what to do.  how bad the compulsion is varys.

 at its worst it told  me what i can and cant do conntantly  so much it eventualy it got to the point i cant write anything  at all cause i ran  out of letters that my brain would allow me to write. 

iit could be any letter a b c d e 

 i couldnt  write anything general like the word( the) as an example  cause  my brain wouldnt  let me write it  without the fear of something bad happening and the amount of times i had to repeate what i wrote

  that was the compulsion at its worst this would be repeated for a long time. 

iif i wrote a sentence to make a sentence it had  to be in a certain way and in a certain place on the page and it would need to be repeated on the next line. this lead to my brain feelling the compulsion to write the same thing over on the next line again

and then over on the next line yet  again and it was very hard to stop. 

it had to feell just right though thats what my mind wanted in order to just to relief the anxiety even though it was making my mind and my body more stressed than when i started writeing

and i was usualy tense cause of the anxiety. 

   my mind had certain rules for me about how i write and what way and weather i add a capital or not when writing  and if i didnt follow them it  could trigger the compulsion to repeat what im writing over and over  

it was due to the fact that I had to keep writeing the same thing over and over again cause my mind thought something bad will happen otherwise if i didnt

or if i didnt follow the rules my mind set out for me as its way of trying to feell in control of my anxietys that it has  no control over  

the thing is i like writeing and im good at writeing and eventualy im going to need to write at some point in your life.  not only that but  cause i like writeing and it is a hobby i enjoy  i did have to go back to it

and just hope the compulstion doesnt trigger which it did.  with this compulsion unlike the light switch one which is more predictable  it can happen at any time and anywhere.

 its not as bad as it used to be but the compulsion  can still get triggered so even though i stopped avoiding writteng it still didnt stop the compulsion. even to this day  i still have it its just that it doesnt interfere as much as it used to. sometimes its worse than others and weather it ever happens or not isnt something i can predict.

its mainly writeing on paper that this happens  it can come out of nowhere like a snake or a tiger ambushing its prey 

my compulsions can be triggered by specific anxietys that i have based on stressful events 

if my compulsions get triggered by anything then it can set it off and it tends to cause more stress rather than make you feell better and it can be tiring ot exausting.

 the relief when iv done something a certain way and it is just right  is only temporary cause you feell compelled to do it again next time like say i switched the light on and off 5 times today but now i cant touch the light switch just to be safe cause i finlaly did it and it felt  right.

as soon as i touch it again if  theres the uncertsintly of weather i dont do it right your all the way back to the begining.

you have to do it just right every time. now mostly iv been able to press it only once which sounds great but now the anxiety is what if i press it twice or three times which means even though its reduced in frequency abit compared to say last year or the year before it hasnt  gone away and it still happens.

the triggers are still there. for instance if  i dont press it the same way even if its only once  thats a trigger for the compulsions too. 

 I still have the old compulsions that is the thing and im developing new ones all the time so im actualy getting more of them as the years go on. 

 the problom with the light on is with the light switch its got me into real trouble at night cause one of the staff heard it clicking on and off.  due to my anxiety i untintionaly pressed  it on and off too hard and not gently whenever i did it.

  the noise i dont like when i do it cause of my hypersensitive hearing  and it doesnt help my anxiety when that happens. but my whole focus was so  on the switch.  i automaticaly  did  it quieter eventualy  but when i did that one night  it was too late. weather i press it too hard or not though its just as stressful. 

 and I eventualy  was told off for wakeing staff up by it  by the manager of the house cause staff told her.   it didnt help the compulsion and the thing is my compulsion. cause this anxiety was once of the ones i had ii developed a new compulsion  to doors opening and closeing. which then almost got me into trouble a second time.  I got warned by one of the staff if they hear me again then they will need to  tell the manager and think of some consequences or something cause you arnt aloud to make noises at night. 

 the thing is i didnt want to wake people up and i didnt want to switch the light on and off i just wanted to get on my bed and do stuff. ones of my anxietys  that caused the compulsion came true -waking people up without meaning to.

this in order to cope  actualy added stregth to the compulsion.  it was something that 

 became a stronger trigger then in the long term. I a;ready had other anxitys telling me if i dont switch the switch on and off until it is just right to my mind that something bad could happen

 that i have to do it  it a certain way so that eerything is fine to make sure something bad doesn't happen by doing this action in the evening  something will go wrong or your anxietys will come true tomarow or anytime, whenever. and usualy they do regardless which doesnt help matters. 

 as contradictory as it sounds it became more of a trigger for the compulsion eventualy.  i not only had  other anxiety triggering the compulsion but this one too.  that only came about cause someone gave my mind something it would percieve as a threat and could become another source of stress that triggers the compulsion.  

before that the other thing i was also anxious about my mind didnt want to happen was  bad enough   haveing something to try and prevent it  by doing my compulsions cause otherwise that bad. thing will happen that i was told will happen in real life and now not only is it in my head aswell it is outside my head comfirming my fear which worsened the compulsion so  added to the anxiety and compulsion 

i resisting felt almost impossible and became quite bad in fact my anxiety got so bad i did it alot of the night and couldnt sleep properly trying to resist it.  I went through a period where the compulsions sort of decreased and i eventualy managed to get to only pressing it once but sometimes i make a mistake and the compulsion to keep switching it on and off to make sure something doesnt happen gets triggered again so I still do this sometimes.

the new door compulsion i have that as long as i open or close it a certain way, a certain speed, a certain number of times that thankfully i wont get into trouble hasnt helped matters as i ended up being warned on lots of ocasions until i got into trouble a second time and i had to some how get myself out of it 

  my mind said  it can somehow prevent this outcome by doing the compulsion. i didnt have this compulsion until i was told off so stressful events basicaly trigger more  compulsions. its good that the switch thing is better but it can still be fustraiting cause you cant help it. 

very kindly my brain has different versions of some of the compulsions i do that require repetitaion due to anxious thoughts and feellings whatever they are. one i do is haveing to read the same thing over and over and over so i could be on a page for half an hour or longer even though i dont want to so that a anxiety whatever it is im anxious about does not happen. by the time i get to the other pages i get exausted cause of how amny times i had to re read everything over and over even though i already know what everything says even without reading things over and over just to be safe something bad doesnt happen cause my mind things something bad could happen if i dont do that.  

there is different forms of the tap one too. washing hands as you know repatedly is one

or repeadedly drying my hands on the towel even when they are now dry 

there is also the water must come out of the tap at a specific place in the sink otherwise something bad could happen and you need to repeat it over and over until it feells just right. all 3 of these can be performed over and over adding to the time spent at home for instance or it could be only one or two akeing up the time there is another tap varion it must come out a certain stregth until it feells just right and this can take alot of times to acomplinsh but you know you will get there. you just have to try not to do it again after and walk out the door. 

edit:

the thing is im very good at hideing my compulsions from people like my family and also staff members in the care home plus strangers when out and about. i do do them but it isnt obvious and i somehow manage to sort of manage to act casual and conceil them even when and if they ocur.

 i avoid filling my water bottle up in the kitchen cause it is too much and not worth the risk getting into trouble with Mum over me taking so long  either this is why i ask her or Dad to fill it up for me rather than fill it up myself the compulsion is too stressful and takes too long after all im here to visit my family not to visit the kitchen and spend ages at the tap filling my drink up and refilling it over and over or washing my hands thats so  its for me and my family rather than just myself.   these sort of things get easily mistaken for laziness. i used to avoid the tap downstairs and people didnt understand why.

 as for the care home at the care home i used to avoid useing the tap downstairs to fill my water up or wash my hands for days and weeks.  now i use that tap downstairs more which shifts atention away  cause now its the tap upstairs i have a problom with washing hands with. 

 even though i use it the tap  next to my room upstairs it can be stressful when i filling my drink up and get fed up of doing things over and over for a long time 

 since i dont say anything and cant exsplain why  that it is due to  compulsions  cause i get nervous cause they wouldnt undertsand even if i exsplained it to them. 

when i go on holidays with my family  or to family gatherings with them  i also hate washing my hands at service stations and ideally avoid them if possible including the taps at my auntys and uncles houses due to the compulsions of switching the tap on and off,  washing my hands, and drying my hands. people know i take a long time sometimes. i know its cause of the compulsions but they dont.  this is easily overlooked and taking a long time wouldnt raise suspisions to anyone really cause anyone can take a long time doing things even when it comes to day to day routines but i still dont tell anyone.