Published on 12, July, 2020
How do you cope with the massively overthinking and panicking after speaking to people?! I much prefer in person connection rather than online (ironically lol) but when I speak to people it comes out the wrong way, I accidentally probably offend people without meaning to, I overthink and overthink and overthink every single thing I said and wishing I hadn’t said it and wishing I hadn’t opened my mouth and hating myself so much and feeling so embarrassed and just wishing the ground would swallow me hole. I just hate myself. When I talk, it never comes out how I mean for it to. Or people misunderstand, or often I end up skipping loads of context out of what I say because I have half the conversation in my head not realising I haven’t said it out loud so people do not have context and therefore it can come out in the wrong way. I just want to hide. For the most part I love being autistic and my most authentic autistic self but in moments like this I just wish I wasn’t like this. I wish my brain would not overthink and panic to the extent it is. I feel like crying all because of one tiny comment I made which I am panicking came across in the wrong way. When in reality I don’t even know if anyone misinterpreted it in the way that I think they may have done. They probably aren’t even thinking about it. Yet I cannot sleep because of it.
Does anyone else get this? I feel so terrible about myself. I am trying so hard to rationalise and mentally talk to myself about how no one probably is even thinking about it or even noticed anything but it is not helping to calm me down. Sometimes I wish I just went back to not speaking like I was before I unmasked. It’s like now I am completely unmasked I cannot and do not know how to go back to masking. I feel ashamed,
I feel it. I feel like you described me. Im not sure how it happened that finally overthink less… I remember at some point I got so awfully exhausted of that I was going to puke and I still often feel that way. The thoughts repeat themselves in my head, I still experience that but after repeating myself, as you wrote “nobody gonna remember that” it finally started somehow working. I still feel tortured by dialogues in my head. Possible future conversations, past conversations, how they went, how they could have gone, what I should have said what I said wrong etc. it’s a torture for my brain and doesn’t matter how tired I am, I ask my brain: stop it! But there is an invisible force that forces these thoughts again and again. For days, weeks, sometimes even months. But I often repeat it myself: do t worry, they not gonna remember it, it’s just me who remembers and I know I’m gonna remember it for long time. Maybe even years. My thoughts often also don’t let me sleep. I remember once I said something that could have been taken as racist although I didn’t mean anything like that. I tortured myself for 3 weeks, I couldn’t sleep I was going crazy. I finally approached that woman and started apologizing and over explaining myself that I didn’t mean anything racist. She looked at me with wide eyes she said she has no idea what I’m talking about and advised me to go to a psychologist. It was at work, my previous job. After that situation and apologies I felt even worse like a total idiot, I wished I didn’t do that at all. I felt guilty till the end of my contract and I felt awful whenever I met that woman. Awful and ashamed of myself. If I only knew, at that time, that it’s not my fault. That I’m autistic…
thank you for your reply. I’m sorry you too have struggled so much with this. Thanks for your advice and tips. I’ll keep that in mind. I’m sorry that you’ve had such experiences - I can definitely relate!! I also get that…I too…if only I knew I was autistic at the time of all these moments!