Published on 12, July, 2020
My biggest challenge as an autistic woman is regulating my emotions.
I've always been highly sensitive and tend to break down during the worst moments, ranging from work to family events. My strong reactions tends to bring everyone in a horrible mood and I ruin everything.
As a random example, my mother decided to photograph the family, including me. For context, I have body image issues. Although I've been getting better, this incident has broke me down. As I instantly demanded for the phone, I zoomed in to check every detail of my body and I looked disgusting. This made me want to self isolate and minutes later, my mum checked on me and said I could have 5-10 minutes to snap out of it, considering guests are around and she didn't want me to ruin the event. During my 10 minutes, I continued to cry, started banging my fists against my head and screamed. I assumed since everyone was outside, I could scream in peace. However, one of the windows upstairs was opened and everyone, including the neighbours heard me. This ruined the night for everyone.
I have no idea how my family has forgiven me so many times for letting my intense meltdowns ruin special events. I don't deserve their forgiveness and they don't deserve me as a daughter.
I am unable to get therapy, but how can I hide my emotions so then I can finally stop ruining everything. Please help.
She gave you 5 - 10 minutes, I know I need two days after I've had a melt down. That sounds like so much pressure on you. I got in a terrible state shouting at my mother recently with all the windows open and doors because of the heat. I've been avoiding her because she keeps trying to bring her problems to me to listen to and I find it is too much. I'm the only available family member. Family do seem to be great at triggering in my experience. You did also write that you've been getting better - I'm trying to look for the progress I've made over time.. because imidiatly after the event I don't have any perspective and I'm hard on everyone not least myself.