Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi today has been horrible it started off great I went out with one of my autism groups it was a lovely afternoon and a nice day as well. Then in the evening time my anxiety shot up and I lost control I needed one of my friends and they weren’t around and it got to a point where I thought they had been taken ill and were in hospital. I ran to the bus stop and I was crying this nice girl about my age maybe younger comforted me then offered to buy me a bus ticket I thanked her and walked off then my friend messages me in a bad mood nothing to do with me. But my anxiety just got out of control and out of impulse I jumped on the next bus and got off at a random stop walked to the near by park and phoned the Samaritans that helped then I called my friend he was still not himself but we spoke and it helped talking to him. Then I left the park and went to the bus stop sadly limited service and it was late I phoned my friend and begged him to come and get me in his car he just refused I needed help but he wouldn’t help me he said he needed to be on his own so I had to walk back I was walking along the pavement crying and this van pulled up these 2 women asked if I was ok I just broke down and they kindly drove me home. I didn’t know them or anything but they were really kind and took me home. Since then me and my friend have spoken I told him straight that it was cruel that he wouldn’t help me get home he explained his reasons he had an autistic shut down and physically couldn’t get in his car to get me and that was why he was off with me earlier. But never underestimate the kindness of strangers I’ve learnt that today.
Horrible day that it was, it's clear that "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" is a thing.
I'm quite sure that if you keep your focus and faith on the niceness and kindness the anxiety will continue to decrease.
That part where you start imagining that something bad has happened and get super worried happens to me occasionally when my brain chemistry fluctuates and I suddenly need to go and call the cat in. When he does not come in quickly, the anxiety starts to get close to terror, and I get a horrible feeling of not knowing what to do MAGNIFIED by an urgency to do something and it's overwhelming.
THEN I use a psychological tool of great power to stop myself "losing it". I stop "doing things" and give myself "time to think". It's an agressive way to reclaim your power, stopping doing anything and thnking about things before taking action, it really is..
IN the case of my "cat fear" I soon realise that horrible a concept as it is, I actually do not know what the reality is, and it is out of my control, so all I can do is wait, and endure the wait. I HAVE NO CHOICE. Knowing and acknowledging this basic truth, means that I then use another super powerful psychological and legal tool, "Ignorance".
Since I cannot mitigate the situation, I will deliebrately IGNORE it and DO SOMETHING ELSE until either he comes in, or enough time has elapsed that I need to go and call from him again.
I usually find that the ignorance pays off after about an hour or two and he walks in asking for food, and you'll note that two hours have now gone by and my inital terror of "he didn't answer my call and come back" was not allowed to drive me for a whole two hours...
IF you want to know "what happens if he doesn't come back after two hours and the terror returns" I'll let you know, but if you really read what I wrote and understood it you might like to take a guess first... Kinda like a school excercise!
Thanks for sharing this with me and I do try to find ways to cope but the fear that my friend might have had another heart attack consumes me even though he is fine. I am am trying to find methods of coping better it’s just very early days for me.
I think you'll be fine... Good attitude! My friend who I speak to and share media with 4 days of the week including film night has just been found to have a serious heart defect, and he is a major contributor to what little well being and sanity I possess so the increased possibilty of losing him would be paralysing and our evenings a little stilted and awkward if I were to keep that possibility at the forefront of my mind.
There's nothing I can do about it, he is at least as good at googling as me, so we both have a pretty clear idea of the techncial aspects and the choices he faces and the risks so Ignorance, is again the correct psychological tool for me to apply unless he wants to talk about it.
"Ignorance" is a skill, that neurotypicals have in spades, but which we have difficulty with.
It's also why there are so many bitter arguments here, our people are not innately skilled at the art of being "ignorant" at the right time.
But that's only what I think, and how I try mostly sucessfully to not get overwhelmed by these things.