Is this normal ?

Thank you for your advice and positivity. 

It is much appreciated

Justbe said:

I am quite shy, so this isn't easy for me.

You will find that there is way more acceptance in society for you to make a move to say hello and not face anything negative. Your risk here is very low and the rewards quite appealing.

If he is indeed interested then chances are he will chat you up and it is at this point it is worth being direct and asking "I may be misreading the signals, but are you interested in me?".

If this is the case then my advice would be to say you too are interested and let him know you like him too.

This at least sets the stage for your chats rather than guessing and second guessing things.

Justbe said:

Hope isn't a strong element in my life.

There is always hope - believe in yourself and make your own hope is my approach.

Thanks for your reply. 

I don't think I'm asexual. I just wasn't attracted to the guy I spent time with around 6 years ago. He was 14 years older than me by the way. But that wasn't why I wasn't physically  attracted to him. I've only fantasised about the other guy just holding me, because I don't know him that well. As I get to know him that may or may not change. I don't know how old he is by the way. 

I am quite shy, so this isn't easy for me. And I fear rejection. Plus I have been through a lot of trauma (which I am  working through) I'd prefer if he made the first move. He's autistic too. So given all of the above, fantasy may be as far as it goes lol. I can joke about it, but it's sad really. 

Hope isn't a strong element in my life. But I'm doing my best.

I would never lead any one on.

Thanks for the book recommendation. 

Justbe said:

I keep thinking about him. I think about him holding me and looking out for me. Nothing beyond that. It's just fantasy. Is this normal ? When the reality is it won't happen.

Do you consider yourself A-sexual? If there is no physical attraction in your encounters then this is probably something to raise reasonably early in your discussions IF you do want there to be this closeness.

The vast majority of men will want something more than chit-chat and holding you. It is pretty important for an relationship to last that you let them know if this is not the case as then you won't feel right for them in most cases.

I notice you are in your 50s, the same as me so there is a greater chance that this may actually work out with an age similar partner, so don't loose hope. I find at our age that being direct is much more effective. We grew up with so much beating round the bush that we should have learned that it is all bull droppings and it is best to lay our cards on the table.

If this guy is just not the sort of person to get you hot under the collar then fantasise away - it is one of the truly private things we have left in life these days.

There is nothing to stop you approaching them and flirting a little to see if they show an interest. Just don't lead them on.

The following book should give you a wealth of info to understand all this stuff:

Love, Partnership, or Singleton on the Autism Spectrum - Luke Beardon (2017)
eISBN 9781784504847

Justbe said:

I may be being judgemental, by assuming he is not right for me

A key question here is who judges the "rightness" of a person and what are the standards involved.

It may simply be a case of you feel low self worth but in reality this is for the partner to decide so stuff it, shoot your shot, tell them you like them and see if they are interested in talking far enough to drop the issue of no sexual intimacy on them.

Just my thoughts.

Thank you.

I feel like a fish out of water. I have virtually no experience in this field.

I think I'm driving myself crazy because I'm trying to analyse everything.

And yes I'm fantasising too. I wish I didn't do this and I try to distract myself. Because to me it just sets things up to fail - because nothing is perfect (i have a fairy tale playing out in my head), and it just makes me feel more alone when I do this. Tired, and I start to put myself down.

And at the end of the day, I might be reading him totally wrong. And he might not like me at all. 

About 5 or 6 years ago I spent a year with a guy. We were just friends, but I sometimes wondered if it would change into being something more. I wasn't really attracted to him physically. But we got on really well.  He definitely behaved as though he wanted more on occasions.

Then one day I wrote him an email explaining how I felt about him (confused) and how i valued him. The reply I received shocked me. 

He send  me a bullet point email as to why we couldn't be together, it was all based around our age difference, but it was without warmth and was very cold. I hadn't said anything to justify him being like that.

That experience has really knocked my confidence. Which wasn't great to begin with to be honest. 

I guess it's just a case of wait and see. X

Yes this is totally normal. I think perhaps what you may be doing here is overthinking the issue a little bit. This is a symptom of anxiety which many of us on here also struggle with. I also often find myself overthinking what I am thinking about or doing on any given occasion. Even though you may or may not get to know this individual further it is still normal to fantasise a bit. I have fantasised about people also that there is zero chance of getting with it is human nature. It is the element of overthinking this fact that is what I am seeing here. I wish you luck regardless with whatever you decide to do.

Thank you.

I'm still thinking about him

I can drive myself quite mad at times. X

This is good to know. Thank you. 

This is good to know. Thank you 

Don't be daft, I didn't think that at all, there's lots of reasons why you might think you're not suited to someone, anything from insecurity about your attractiveness as a friend or partner, to your gut telling you there's something "off" about this person.  Attraction often seems to be about what repels you as what attracts you.

I Found myself many times in similar situations. I don’t know if it’s objectively normal, but for me it’s normal. Objectively probably too. You are just thinking about him, maybe he is somehow interesting or intriguing to you. I often imagine myself in relationships with someone. Even imagined people, or people who exist but I do t know them personally. There was a question about it in aspie quiz and it’s apparently a neurodivergent trait but even if, I wouldn’t say it’s crazy or abnormal. I’m not crazy (only sometimes I hear that when complaining about the lamp making buzzz) 

Thank you for your reply.

The 'all that' is that I fear you may think that I think I'm better than him (because I don't think we are suited). When I'm not better than him. We are just different. 

X

I think, it all sounds fairly normal, you're imagining being in various situations with him to see how they feel, do you want him closer, further away, at the distance he is now?

What is the 'all that' that you fear us thinking about you?