Relationships

I appreciate the advice :) 

NAS94291 said:

I'm 22 and I'm autistic with ADHD and I've never been in a relationship.i would like love but I don't know how to find it

There is no simple answer to make this happen I'm afraid, but there are a few pointers I can give to put you in a stronger position.

1 - Get to know yourself. Read up on your ADHD and learn about the traits you have. Develop ways to manage them and the whole self understanding and management thing brings a level of self confidence with it.

2 - Remember that women are people just like you with a few physical and psychological differences. Treat them like you would like to be treated yourself - don't objectify them, respect their opinions even if you don't agree with them and allow yourself to be open with them as much as you are comfortable with.

3 - Don't start looking for love. It may sound counter intuitive but there is a sense of desperation that this gives off that a lot of neurotypicals can pick up on (damn their NT spidey-sense!) and this will turn them off. Better to be just open to making small talk (you may need to read up on this), learn to relax and try to be as natural as you can be.

Sounds easy but it takes practice.

4 - consider matches. What are you looking for in a woman? If you choose to use a dating app then you need to be prepared to make a statement about what you want. Don't know? Learn to ask for help - a therapist is great if you can afford it and if not then if you have any female friends then this can be a great way to get used to talking to them.

I would appreciate any female input into how best to approach this, but my way would be to ask one of them "Hi, can I ask you for advice on a sensitive question please?" Thie intrigue is a good way to draw them into the discussion. They will hopefully say "what about?".

Tell them you are trying to work out what to look for in a girlfriend and lack experience. Tell them you are not trying to hit on them but really need advice on how to work out how to ask about this stuff.

Realistically are you looking for someone who likes the same things as you. Are you looking for someone to spend time together doing dating stuff (walks, watching TV, cooking, horse riding etc - whatever you think will work for you) or are you looking for someone to look after you. The last one is probably not going to get you anywhere though.

5 - how are you going to sell yourself? Think about what you can bring to the relationship and what is going to attract a girl to you. Can you re-wire a house, can you train a Great Dane to tap-dance, can you solve quadratic equations while gargling a glass of water or can you crack walnuts with just your biceps? Maybe a bit extreme but think about stuff that you can talk about.

6 - learn to listen. Talking at your date is a problem I hear a lot from neurodivergents partners in your age group so it really helps to learn the skills of listening, confirming what you understand and asking more questions from them to develop the conversation flow. This really tends to be a weakness for us and it is one that isn't too hard to learn with some effort.

There are loads more things to consider but these should help you with the basic skills and expectations - the next steps will be to take your dating ready self to meet and put these into practice, experience rejections (they will happen but learn not to loose heart) and grow through the experience.

It is no wonder so many people resort to using ladies of negotiable affection to find a brief connection once in a while. The whole dating scene can be a lot of hard work.