Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
Please delete if I am not allowed to post this here, it wasn't clear wherether it would be so im really sorry if Im getting it wrong. I dont want to be in a safe space I dont belong in as a non autistic but neuro spicy person.
I am the partner of someone with autism (undiagnoised as yet but we have been sure for more than a year and a half). I have ADHD and dsylexia and dyspraxia (together we have the whole set)
There lots of challanges in a relationship like this, expected things like communication, showing affection ect. But after 8 years we are getting it mostly figured out.
Something can up recently that I need help with, I can understand his reason/he doesn't understand why he feels as he does so cant explain.
We are at the stage of viewing property together and whilst we have had a joint acount for years its currently not the main account and we both put money in for joint expenses. I would like us to have a main account that is joint, we can both have our own accounts for 'fun money'. he does earn more than me as I work for the NHS but I dont belive either of us feels that is relevent.
My reasons for are;
I want us to have a life together not seperate but side by side,
if/when i reduce my work for childcare it would impact my savings and future carer (I dont plan on us breaking up but as we aren't married it would leave me financially vunerable,
he has struggled with commitment and as said we aren't married yet despite talking about it (which surname, who to invite ect) for the last 7 years and for me it would be symbolic of us joining together more.
the last reason is that recently my laptop stoped working, he thinks I am too careless with my laptop (hello ADHD) and although there was no reason to think it stoped working because of anything I did I paid for a 100% of the replacement because he wanted to 'teach me a lesson'. I dont want that to be our lives, the power dynamic ect, honestly it was the most disespectful thing he has ever done.
his reaon against is;
he needs to been 100% himself to love somebody and somehow this challanges his identity
Can anyone help us understand what is happening, what the reasoning is because we cant work it out and so are a bit stuck
Thank you, and again im sorry if Im not allowed here
I'm not sure if you're just thinking of a hypothetical childcare situation for sometime in the future, or if you're already pregnant with a baby on the way.
If you're not pregnant, and just trying to get a main joint account, to secure that hypothetical situation for whenever you have this hypothetical child in the future, the both you are not even married yet, so why have a main joint account like this? It doesn't make much sense to do this (at least to me), especially if everything is working fine at the moment, in terms of bills and other expenditures.
However, if you are pregnant, and he's not taking this seriously, in terms of committing and setting up for marriage and securing a joint account to prepare everything for the baby that's on it's way, that would be a little concerning. I mean, a joint account would just make paying for the things for the baby easier, but if you already have one, so I'm not sure if a main joint account is needed, but I suppose that depends on your situation.
My tablet suddenly stopped working one day, but I just went out the next day and bought a new one. I don't think I involved my partner, because I didn't think it was their responsibility to pay for something that I owned.
I think that finances and commitment are huge parts of a long-term relationship, and serious discussions about these topics are not always going to be very pleasant, but they are important to have, especially if you are planning to settle down and have children with him one day.
thank you very much for taking the time to reply.
Saddly no child yet, he has always said he wants them but he isnt ready. He promises we will have them (im 35 so its scary to wait)
Hullabaloo said:My tablet suddenly stopped working one day, but I just went out the next day and bought a new one. I don't think I involved my partner, because I didn't think it was their responsibility to pay for something that I owned.
We have spoken befor about how he makes more money as I felt guilty but we concluded that my work does good in the world and his earns the bulk of our household income so it works if we think of ourselves as a unit. So thats what I thought we did, not thinking in terms of yours and mine but ours. not only our money but our chores/tasks, our responsibilities.So I do feel the money should also be pooled.
As it stands we have a very uneven divisioin of labour because he is always very tired. I do 90% of the housework and deal with all the life admin stuff, I make apoinment s for him, sort the car insurance, make his lunch before i go to workor he eats crisps and nothing else. I do this because it isn't his and mine but ours, like how I wash all the clothes not just mine. I dont want a tit for tat relationship because in that case I am getting a bad deal.
Also to clarify I wasn't offended at paying for the laptop, I have spent a lifetime being feircly independent. I was offended that he wanted to teach me a lesson that a) i felt was unrelated and b) Im a grown up and his equal he doesnt get to 'teach me a lesson' im not under his control. By using money to 'punish' me and (inadvertantly) cause an uneven power dynamic infanalised me and I honestly expected better of him
Yeah, it was not right for him to treat you in a disrespectful manner. I mean you had to pay for all the repairs, but you didn't need the kick back from him.
I just want to say that I am honestly amazed by your ability to upkeep the household and paperwork and make food, even with ADHD, which I can imagine is not easy, so I can see the level of effort you have put into your relationship.
Yeah, I can see how your age would matter when it comes down to the ability to have a child. And not being married yet, or having complete commitment of your partner, can make the entire ordeal that much more stressful. He sounds like he's dragging his feet about it, being indecisive. Maybe he's fearful of the changes he'd have to make, and how a child would impact his personal freedom, and how much he'd have to sacrifice for that child.
Hopefully you two can work things out though, through thorough discussions, but I can imagine they will be difficult discussions to make.