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Parent of Newly Diagnosed 18 year old

NAS94163

Hi. I’m Sarah and my two boys have recently been diagnosed with autism. My eldest is 21, youngest 18. The older lad is doing good, lives with his girlfriend and works full time. My youngest is being a challenge. He has autism with ADHD and the two things together are proving difficult for both of us to cope with. Up until recently he was working full time, but went off sick with anxiety, shortly after diagnosis. He has arranged to go back on a phased return, twice now, and each time he has become overwhelmed and not returned. Money is becoming an issue and I can’t keep sustaining the financial support. He has a girlfriend but he is very intense, which caused the end of his last relationship. This seems better, but he always wants her here, overnight.i have MS and need my space and privacy and am trying to limit her staying to just weekends. I’m hoping his hyper focus on this relationship will start to ease. My main concerns for him are:- 

- could his worry about returning to work have a bit of laziness attached ?

- why does he feel the need to exaggerate/fib/ repeat and repeat and repeat about things he wants ?

- how can I get him to ease things off in his relationship? 

- how can I get him to help himself more?

I am really starting to buckle under the stress of trying to keep everyone happy, while not being taken for a mug. 
Any advice, suggestions and help would be much appreciated. 
thank you for taking the time to get to the end of my post 

xxx

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  • NAS94163 said:
    - could his worry about returning to work have a bit of laziness attached ?

    Absolutely, but the root cause of this is still significant (ie the anxiety). He is a teenager and transitioning from a cushy existance where everything is supplied and he maybe has some chores to do then has to go out and work 8 hours a day in a anxiety generating situation.

    Of course he wants to go back to where it is comfortable, Even neurotypical teenagers often want this. The important thing is to see if he is getting help with dealing with his anxiety so he can go out to face work.

    If he has a therapist, maybe ask them if Pathalogical Demand Avoidance is also at play here (it isn't as bad as it sounds).

    NAS94163 said:
    - why does he feel the need to exaggerate/fib/ repeat and repeat and repeat about things he wants ?

    Again there is a mix of typical teenager response here but also quite possibly the repetition comes from his neurodivergence.

    You are still his boss and need to be firm in establishing reasonable boundaries then sticking to them. It is tough at times but without boundaries he will be even harder to manage.

    NAS94163 said:
    - how can I get him to ease things off in his relationship? 

    It isn't your call if he is over 18 I'm afraid. He needs to learn to make his own mistakes.

    You can have a say on whether she stays over, comes to meals etc as it is your house and you are quite able to speak your mind as to why if you need to.

    I would say stop trying to make everyone happy. You are still the boss so make the calls you believe are right, fair and achievable while still looking out for his wellbeing. You don't need to put up with his teenage acting out but can still support his neurodivergent needs, possibly by getting him a therapist (he need to be willing to actually go of course).

    An adult mentor could also be helpful for him if there are any he respects and gets on with.

    Good luck.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your thoughts and advice. It’s lovely to know I’m not alone. 

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