Published on 12, July, 2020
It's my first time posting, and I really need someone to consult about this. It's long.
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me out of the blue.
Background: He (28) has high functioning autism, and I (27) have ADHD and suspect to also be on the spectrum ( but can't afford to diagnose officially now). We met in University and connected really quickly, we had a lot in common and we understood each other like no one before. It really felt like we found the right person for both of us, the one we're meant to be with. It was mostly good since then, we had some disagreements we worked on and always managed to find something we're both comfortable with, we never hide problems and was always honest. We helped each other grow and improve, we really want it to work. We could've talked for hours and loved just being together. He was always honest and affectionate, and tried to communicate even it's hard to him. He never spared an 'I love you', always tried to integrate me in his hobbies and made an effort so I will enjoy them. Things went well and we talked about moving together after graduation, and getting married and start a family sometime in the the future. Our love and care for each other was greater than I can describe, there's nothing we couldn't overcome together.
We just celebrated our 2 years anniversary a month and a half ago and everything seemed normal. We prepared for the second semester, and made plans to do stuff together and even planned a vacation in the summer. Then two weeks ago we met, he told me he doesn't love me romantically anymore and doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, but he still hopes we can be friends.
It came out of nowhere, I still don't understand what happened. How can everything be fine one day, and the next day he felt so different? No signs of a problem, he didn't say something was wrong, he kept showing love like always.
I tried to talk to him and understand what happened but he didn't say much and couldn't describe his feelings. It feels as if he just gave up on us. Like being alone was easier now.
Now we don't talk at all, and he's acting like nothing happened every time I see him on campus.
I feel that I lost everything, he was the closest person to me and the only one I could really talk to and be myself around, the love of my life. He was my everything.
I can't understand why he backed off suddenly? I know he process emotions differently, but how can he act like everything is fine? He said he hopes to stay friends, but It feels like he doesn't care about me anymore...
does Autistic person really can just stop loving someone in a moment? Is it normal to just back off like that from a meaningful relationship? Is he masking or does he really don't care for me anymore? How can I tell if he still cares?
Is there any hope he'll come back? Is there something I can do to convince him to try again?
! - what seems sudden to one partner is not to the other.
2 - you may benefit from watching the show "Please Like Me". it speaks to your story.
I'm really sorry to hear this, and that it is really upsetting you. I've been in my one and only romantic relationship for probably over 15 years now. While I don't know what a breakup feels like, I do know that a relationship is not always easy. Emotions are hard to understand for us, we still experience them but it seems like I at least can't always join up the dots with them.
Someone mentioned grief, that is exactly what this sounds like - because of a sudden "loss", in the sense that a significant change has happened but you don't understand the reasons. It is hard, but with time things change, it could be for the better (I cannot speak for anyone here), but eventually there is an acceptance reached in however things turn out. Like others said, just be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to process everything.
I hope that helps.
Hi
Really sorry to hear about the break up of your relationship. I guess 2 years is a long time but still fresh enough to be exciting at the same time. I have a partner who have been with for 27yrs ish. It’s not easy at all and I struggle with our differences. I had a girlfriend before my current relationship for around 4 years and it was a great time of my life. I ended that relationship quite suddenly as you have said you ex partner has with you. I never really made sense of why and never really understood it but thinking back it felt a bit like a game that I was only ever going to lose. I ended it and was so stubborn I refused to try again. She used to contact me for so long after and we used to chat for hours but I had made that decision. I never really had a reason but can only assume it was too much for me. Anyway she coupled up with an old friend of mine and they are married with kids now. It is a shame for you guys as you are both neurodivergent, I often think about what my situation would be like now if I had met someone from my own tribe. Be patient and friendly and look after yourself. You never know he might just be overwhelmed with it all and needs time out. The way you describe your relationship and how you were together will I’m sure pop back into his head and hope he realises that that’s about as good as it can get.
Best of luck
I'm sorry to hear your relationship has broken up like this. I don't think that autistic people who love someone suddenly fall out of love with them, but I may be mistaken as we're all different. Perhaps he was getting overwhelmed with social interaction and his studies and just needed some quiet time. Maybe he thought he felt love for you, but then doubted his own feelings and didn't want to disappoint you.
As Iain said, try to get some counselling to help you through this, and take care of yourself.
SadCookie said:How can everything be fine one day, and the next day he felt so different? No signs of a problem, he didn't say something was wrong
Many autists have a combination of poor connections to our emotions and also the desire to be a people pleaser so I suspect his change in feelings may have been a long time coming but he did not want to hurt you until it became too much for him to hold back.
When he sees you and wants to pretend that nothing has changed then this is probably his people pleasing drive making him mask this way - try to hide the pain and dissapointment by pretending things are still happy.
SadCookie said:I feel that I lost everything
I get this - it can be overwhelming. What you are experiencing is a stage of grief oddly enough (the denial stage) and if you have anyone you can talk this through in the counselling services at uni then this is the best way to start to handle it.
I'm a male with similar sounding emotional connection issues to your ex and I had a similar break up in my late 20s. I had been in the relationship for 7 years and while it had ups and (some significant) downs, the relationship had evolved into almost a mutual dependancy so it was really, really hard to make the decision to leave.
You have to look after yourself and my suggestion is to speak to the counselling services on campus to start with and consider a personal therapist if you can afford to.
I'm sorry it has hurt you badly.