Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I was diagnosed autistic last October. Always known I was different. Spotted autism in partner’s dad and it fascinated me. Also experience of children as a teacher. More I read, more I realised I was on the spectrum and fairly certain my other half is. We’ve been married for more than 20 years. We don’t argue hugely. But all our arguments follow the same unhelpful pattern… Argue. I try to say what I think went wrong. I try not to blame and attempt to say how I feel, not criticise. Partner always sees criticism. Says I’m blaming him. Starts bringing in everything else that’s wrong in our relationship to then, often, point out I need to change. Dredges history. Says I can’t do this anymore. Gets overwhelmed (I think) and shuts down for a couple of days. I’ve learnt this pattern and know to accept it. I say I’m not blaming but trying to find a solution so it doesn’t happen again and I don’t care who’s at fault. I think he can’t get beyond needing to pinpoint who’s at fault and seeing it as me saying he’s to blame. Do you have tips for handling this as two, I’m sure, autistic adults?
Eg The latest is over partner continuing a conversation with my parents about politics. We have different views to them. We’ve discussed avoiding it and trying to steer away. I could see he was getting animated, enjoying the conversation, and kicked him gently under the table. He responded positively to that and laughed and said I know, we need to move on, or something similar. But the conversation swung round, including him saying God forbid if XYZ gets in. He then said, before we move on, I want to find out what you think about Israel. I have never done this before but was getting so stressed that I interrupted and said, no that’s enough, we need to change topic. I was shocked when he then said So I can’t talk about something I’m interested in? I said it’s not something I want to end our conversation on before we leave - he then agreed and dad changed subject to cars. I couldn’t think how to bring it up without it spiralling the same way but by the time I went to bed, he noticed something might be wrong. And it spiralled. As above! I haven’t bothered trying to force my point and he has not accepted that anything he did was wrong. Says my dad continued the conversation and I can’t dictate what he does and doesn’t talk about. I said I would rather see my parents on my own than have conversations like that. It’s not family conversation. He interpreted that as me telling him I don’t want him to visit my parents. I reiterated that’s not what I said.
What am I doing wrong? We enjoy lots of the same stuff, have similar values etc but he thinks he’s lucky that his dad’s gene missed him! I don’t need him to be diagnosed but I wish he would see some of his character traits. I haven’t said this to him. I feel like I’ve spent my adult life trying to understand mine and how to behave as an adult. I find it very difficult to express my thoughts in an argument. Last time we texted each other and I felt that was better. This time, I just can’t bear bringing it up again and we’re just 24 hours post argument and this one doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere.
Can anyone relate to this, ummm, rant! Sorry!
I've been in an ASD - ASD relationship for over 40 years.
In my experience, problems can occur when one partner becomes overloaded, or becomes discombobulated because the other has done something unexpected. Also.because we're highly sensitive our feelings get hurt easily when we think we're being criticised by the one we love most, which can lead to either lashing out or shutdowns. Then we can feel like we're unloved, like we're a bad person, or a combination of both.
I find it really difficult to deal with trying to sort out what has gone wrong in the heat of the moment - I tend to shut down, and will need quiet time to process things before I can calmly review it and say why I think it happened.
In my opinion, it's sometimes better to stay quiet rather than exacerbate a situation. If for example you had not said anything when your husband was discussing politics with your parents, if the discussion had gone badly it would have been his fault. You could have waited until the next day when he was calm and then explained why you would prefer him not to discuss politics at a family gathering, and he would not have been able to blame you for anything or make you feel bad. But at the end of the day, it's up to him to decide what to talk about and up to your parents whether they want to join that discussion or close it down - they are all adults. I understand why you were trying to avoid confrontation - I've done that a lot myself - but sometimes you have to stop yourself trying to control things (not easy I know)
I hope you can work it out
That made me chuckle, thank you, but I do see that! I’m an exploder and would like to amend and move on. Yes, he’s a hoarder which I hadn’t realised is a thing! Except it’s his version of hoarding where history can very rapidly be changed, or forgotten if necessary. For the last year, I’ve taken to writing down everything I remember that happens in an argument. I’ve realised it makes me feel better but one day, I might need it! Thanks for replying.
I can relate to it, I think there are two different types of people, regardless of how often arguments occur, there are the exploders, (I'm one) where theres a lot of noise and flash bangs and its all over and done with and then there's the horders. The hoarders keep an inner record of everything that you've ever done that has upset them, however trivial and throw them at you, nothing no matter how slight is ever forgotten and can and will be used as a stick to beat you with.
Other than that, what Iain said
Thank you - that’s a very helpful and constructive reply. The link is really useful. (With the enjoying it bit, he was just enjoying splurging his views on politics rather than it being targeted at me. He just got carried away.)
I need to practise keeping my voice calm. Trouble is I don’t want the practice .
TheListener said:We don’t argue hugely. But all our arguments follow the same unhelpful pattern… Argue. I try to say what I think went wrong. I try not to blame and attempt to say how I feel, not criticise. Partner always sees criticism
I've had a very similar issue with my partner of 24 years and it took a couples counselling session to give us the tools to have the arguements but in a clear, civilised and resolvable way.
Essentially it comes down to how you express what you are not happy with. It really helps to establish boundaries to use something called "fair fighting rules:
www.therapistaid.com/.../fair-fighting-rules
Consider the parents arguement - it helps if one person says "I don't like xyz about your mother and how she treats your father. She bullies him and he won't stand up for himself. He is a wimp and should be a man about it" (as an example).
A response would be:
"Can I ask why this upsets you?"
"what emotion does this evolke in you?"
If you make sure you follow the other rules on not using degrading language, stonewalling one another, taking turns in talking and not raising your voices then it should get to the crux of the matter quite quickly and stop the lengthy arguement.
It will also let the person raising it feel heard and make sure they know the other persons perspective. All terribly civilised.
TheListener said:I could see he was getting animated, enjoying the conversation
This may be telling - if he could see it was upsetting you it may have been his way at getting back at you for something else and this is why the more clinical approach above helps cut the poop and make the person say what they really mean rather than dancing in circles with arguements.
If you are both autistic then you will probably both have storng moral compasses and believe you are owners of the right viewpoint so there will be many times when you will have to agree to disagree and in the cases where a solution is required, a compromise must be reached.
If this does not improve then I think couples counselling would help a lot and may also bring him to the realisation that his (and your) behaviour is leading to the destruction of the relationship.
That would be my approach.