Published on 12, July, 2020
Been a while since I posted on here, but I just need advise or help, or something.
My head feels like it’s going to explode. I can’t express anything, it’s all just locked up inside. I have a fear response to sharing as I think I’ll be judged or ruin friendships/relationships. I even don’t feel comfortable sharing with my counsellor. Honestly, I just feel a bit desperate and lost. I watch people succeed in life and achieve what they want while my dreams feel so distant impossibilities that people won’t acknowledge even if I did express them.
I feel very on the edge at the moment. I’m 31 but feel like I have no time left in life to get to where I want to be.
I feel desperately alone most of the time. I want to feel alive.
Daniel said: I even don’t feel comfortable sharing with my counsellor.
Then change to a therapist - get someone who understands autism well and that you feel you can trust and they should be able to help you through this.
Therapists should be bound by an oath of confidentiality (with some exceptions if you are a risk to the lives of others I think) so discuss this with them and make sure you know what the limits are.
Once you have that relationship you can open up and this should help you reconnect with what is below the blockage and feel more complete again.
31 is quite a common age to start to feel this sort of mid-life crisis however. You are no longer young but probably don't feel you are where you thought you should be in life. You are not old enough to feel it is pointless doing anything about it - you are somewhere in between and feel stuck.
My advice (other than getting a competent therapist) is to start to mind map. Look up the technique and use it to capture al your thoughts on paper then expand on them, treating it like a project on how to get where you want to be and break it down to tasks that can be managed.
It is like the old question - "how do you eat a whale?"
The answer is "one bite at a time".
Unless you are a vegetarian in which case you now have a rotting whale carcass in your kitchen, but I diress...
Capture those thoughts, dreams and plans on paper. Rationalise which are possible, actually still desirable and then start to work on what you can control or influence.
The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. The sooner you start the better and it will take you away from the smell of the decomposing whale.