Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
So I was recently (February) diagnosed with atypical autism - I knew I was possibly autistic for last 9 years but I was unsure how I felt about it and wasn't sure if I wanted to be properly diagnosed - until this year when I decided to just go for it - knowing that if I was diagnosed, it may help to get support going into a new job. I've also struggled with my mental health for the last 11 years - I've always had problems with anxiety (which I now know probably ties in with autism) but have struggled a lot with depression, especially lately.
And ever since my autism diagnosis in February, I've felt particularly low because I truly feel like no one in my life truly understands me as a person. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends, no one. I haven't been in a relationship with years - I talk to guys online but it never leads anywhere. And it makes me wonder if I'll ever find someone who really gets me. Feels like my family don't get me, don't understand that I am who I am and can't change that.
I do struggle - when i get passionate about a particular topic, I struggle to modulate my voice. I tend to have a raised voice and as much as I've tried to "calm" my voice, I can't. Its' just the way I am and i've learnt recently, that struggling to modulate your voice can be a part of autism. And whenever this happens with my family, they tell me off for it. They tell me that my raised voice stresses them out, that they refuse to listen to me until I "calm down/speak quietly" and that there is no need for my raised voice. I can't help it though. That is literally me. It's the way I am. And to be constantly told off for it is being told off for being who I am. It makes me feel like utter s***. I try and explain it to them but they just tell me I have to try harder to be calm. Makes me feel judged for having this attribute which I can't control.
And it's now got to a point where I feel so low and upset about being told off for this constantly, for being judged like this, that I just don't want to spend anytime about my family or friends because I just can't be myself. I'm tired of feeling lonely - having no-one that understands me .
Has anyone else struggled with any of this?
Thanks for reading my rant!
well i never talked much, but i work now and i had to speak loudly in work as its too loud to hear anything, i speak loudly outside to family now and they tell me im speaking too loud, i cant tell but i acknowledge i must be speaking too loud and try to lower my voice if it was successful or not i dont know.my mum speaks too quiet though, often have to lean in to hear and ask her to repeat. so maybe im not speaking too loud maybe they are just used to speaking too quietly.... or maybe my hearing is attuned differently, which can effect your speaking. i often think my hearing is good as i can hear cat alarms, but yet alot of people to me are sometimes mumbly and i have to tell them to repeat.