Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
So I was recently (February) diagnosed with atypical autism - I knew I was possibly autistic for last 9 years but I was unsure how I felt about it and wasn't sure if I wanted to be properly diagnosed - until this year when I decided to just go for it - knowing that if I was diagnosed, it may help to get support going into a new job. I've also struggled with my mental health for the last 11 years - I've always had problems with anxiety (which I now know probably ties in with autism) but have struggled a lot with depression, especially lately.
And ever since my autism diagnosis in February, I've felt particularly low because I truly feel like no one in my life truly understands me as a person. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends, no one. I haven't been in a relationship with years - I talk to guys online but it never leads anywhere. And it makes me wonder if I'll ever find someone who really gets me. Feels like my family don't get me, don't understand that I am who I am and can't change that.
I do struggle - when i get passionate about a particular topic, I struggle to modulate my voice. I tend to have a raised voice and as much as I've tried to "calm" my voice, I can't. Its' just the way I am and i've learnt recently, that struggling to modulate your voice can be a part of autism. And whenever this happens with my family, they tell me off for it. They tell me that my raised voice stresses them out, that they refuse to listen to me until I "calm down/speak quietly" and that there is no need for my raised voice. I can't help it though. That is literally me. It's the way I am. And to be constantly told off for it is being told off for being who I am. It makes me feel like utter s***. I try and explain it to them but they just tell me I have to try harder to be calm. Makes me feel judged for having this attribute which I can't control.
And it's now got to a point where I feel so low and upset about being told off for this constantly, for being judged like this, that I just don't want to spend anytime about my family or friends because I just can't be myself. I'm tired of feeling lonely - having no-one that understands me .
Has anyone else struggled with any of this?
Thanks for reading my rant!
It feels isolating when whatever you do feels to others as being wrong. Been there and done that and one tends to then avoid people which makes things worse.
I get told things like "Talk to people. Not at them" when I get enthusiastic about my favourite subject. I don't actually know what this means because I do let others tak now and then. Isn't that what conversations are for?
When I was in school I was told off for being too quiet, so I am either too quiet or too talkative.
I do sympathize because it is horrible when whatever one does it see!s to be wrong. All I can do is say "Hugs" and that it is ok. Carry on and be yourself and do your own thing!
Thank you. This is exactly how I feel and its a relief to know its not just me. It does feel very isolating; and I've been told that exact thing when I get enthusiastic about a topic too. Its infuriating. Like you, I was also told I was very quiet at school and now I'm told I can be too talkative. Thank you
I have had many people try to make me into carbon copies of who they are and it doesn't work. It never works.
Just ends up in frustration on both sides and dispair. (Once had a lady who used to try and correct me ask me out. I said no because I could imagine what life would be like, even though she was a lovely person.. I am still single! :D ).
Being myself I am happy with. I can do that... Be myself! It is when I try and fit in to be with others the problems start!
I have to laugh. The sayings we pick up over time. I once said when I was not feeling too good "I don't feel like myself" and we had guests, and an elderly gypsy lady said "Well who else can you be?" I had to laugh as she was right! How can I be anyone but myself? :D