Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
So I was recently (February) diagnosed with atypical autism - I knew I was possibly autistic for last 9 years but I was unsure how I felt about it and wasn't sure if I wanted to be properly diagnosed - until this year when I decided to just go for it - knowing that if I was diagnosed, it may help to get support going into a new job. I've also struggled with my mental health for the last 11 years - I've always had problems with anxiety (which I now know probably ties in with autism) but have struggled a lot with depression, especially lately.
And ever since my autism diagnosis in February, I've felt particularly low because I truly feel like no one in my life truly understands me as a person. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends, no one. I haven't been in a relationship with years - I talk to guys online but it never leads anywhere. And it makes me wonder if I'll ever find someone who really gets me. Feels like my family don't get me, don't understand that I am who I am and can't change that.
I do struggle - when i get passionate about a particular topic, I struggle to modulate my voice. I tend to have a raised voice and as much as I've tried to "calm" my voice, I can't. Its' just the way I am and i've learnt recently, that struggling to modulate your voice can be a part of autism. And whenever this happens with my family, they tell me off for it. They tell me that my raised voice stresses them out, that they refuse to listen to me until I "calm down/speak quietly" and that there is no need for my raised voice. I can't help it though. That is literally me. It's the way I am. And to be constantly told off for it is being told off for being who I am. It makes me feel like utter s***. I try and explain it to them but they just tell me I have to try harder to be calm. Makes me feel judged for having this attribute which I can't control.
And it's now got to a point where I feel so low and upset about being told off for this constantly, for being judged like this, that I just don't want to spend anytime about my family or friends because I just can't be myself. I'm tired of feeling lonely - having no-one that understands me .
Has anyone else struggled with any of this?
Thanks for reading my rant!
Hi
I completely understand, this happens with me too. But my partner has extremely sensitive hearing, so I have to try not to get too loud. Try not to be upset and not to feel like you're being "told off" - as autism can run in families, you may have family members with the autistic trait of extreme sound sensitivity, or the raised volume may be distressing for someone who suffers with anxiety. You're not doing anything wrong, it's just a difficulty in communication.
I also understand about feeling lonely. I'm very lucky having a partner who understands me, but very few other people I've known throughout my life have "got" me, including my family. I have found it difficult to maintain friendships - it's always been me having to keep contacting them, if I don't bother usually the "friendship" gradually disappears. But this forum helps us to not feel so "different" .
Remember that although you now have a diagnosis, you're still the same person you always were. Also bear in mind that it's not all bad - autistic people can have lots of positive traits:
Thank you! I explained how I feel to my family today and in reply, my mum said "when we politely ask you not to speak to us aggressively on a subject, do you not recognise the tone of voice you're using - the passion/aggression the same voice for you" - this is after I've explained that yes I raise my voice and i speak passionately and I can't help my tone of voice. And they don't ask me "politely" - they tell me unless i calm down and speak quietly, they refuse to listen to a word I say. It infuriates me everything they tell me off like this. I can't help the way I speak/my tone of voice, I've tried but its just me. I don't know where I'm supposed to do from here....
Like you, I've found it difficult to maintain friendships. If I'm not doing all the work in terms of keeping in the contact with the, arranging catch ups etc, then the friendship disappears - it always feels very one-sided and I get exhausted of always being the one to have to keep the friendship going.
Thank you for your kind words though - it has really helped!