Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I’m in a relationship with an autistic male and recently I’ve had difficulties understanding his behavior. Unfortunately we don’t live in the same place so we cannot see each other often but we chat. However up until 4 days ago he’s been very present and nice. Now he’s ignoring me. He sends me his good morning and then nothing else. He doesn’t even read my messages. I’ve asked him if he still likes me and he has always said yes. I really like him and I told him. I have asked if I had done something wrong and his answer was I need to sleep.I’m very stressed and said about this. I’m trying to give him space but I need to know if I’m the problem. I’d like to let him know I’m still here for him, but I don’t know how to convey that. I’ve reading a lot about autism so I can try to understand his mind a little bit.I know that there’s a chance his not fine at the moment but I also know that he was interacting in other social media and again not sure what to make of it.I’m really desperate for help now.Thanks and sorry for the venting moment but I feel very alone on this right now
that's exactly what I meant to convey
My wife sometimes goes on holiday with her sister, she phones me most nights, for her it’s a bit like visiting someone in hospital, after “how are you?” the conversation is at an end. She will ask me what I’ve done that day. The conversations are often like ‘pulling teeth’, autistic people often just don’t need to communicate as much, don’t read to much into your friends behaviour, something new for an autistic person can often be very consuming, sometimes it’s like a switch has been switched off. It doesn’t mean your friend has lost interest, it’s just he has become more accepting of you.
Oh the unread messages! I often see the notification but I’m like: no! I’m mentally not ready for any communication!
I'm on the other side of that scenario.
I've been with my wife for 26 years. The key to having a strong relationship in my opinion has been communication. Being open about our feelings and open to understanding our differences and embracing them. Don't get me wrong we still argue, quite a lot of those are my fault as I can massively over react and sometimes appear to be upset about something that I'm not, for example, a change in plans can trigger me, but it might seem like it's the plan, or the person , not the change I'm angry at. When that happens its upto me to take responsibility. Equally not all arguments are my fault so that has to be shared.
All relationships need strong communication and understanding because all people are different, it's just a slightly different set of needs when there's someone autistic in the relationship, it's still a 2 way street, you both think and process things slightly different so will both need to adjust slightly to fit together, which is what makes all relationships work.
Talk about it, tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels, some of his reactions might seem odd, but to him some of yours do too.
Good luck , hope it all works out :)
I echo what Martin has said. I always say to my partner that I'm not going anywhere and if it was not then she would know. Its a view that if it ain't broke don't fix it.
I'm afraid that, unlike neurotypicals, many autistic people do not feel the need to constantly maintain and reinforce relationships. Once they are formed, autistic people tend to view relationships as unchanging, they 'just are'. This is a prominent difference between neurotypicals and autists. Autists also need a lot of alone time and can get exhausted by socialising.
Autistic people are also notoriously poor at social 'chit-chat', either in person or by other means of communication. When my future wife was living about 200 miles away, I found it very difficult to find things to talk about on our weekly phone calls. We met up twice a month and that was much better for me, the pressure of being on the phone or having to message can inhibit expression.