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Internalising a formal ASC diagnosis

NAS84405

So folks,

I don't come here very often. It's been 10 months since I received a formal ASC diagnosis at the age of 47. Since before then I have had counselling with a psychotherapist who specialises in autism, spoken with a 'friend' who leads a counselling team at a local University, with my wife and others who can all see autistic traits in me. I have several autistic kids. I have created a journal of experiences and memories which all demonstrate autistic reactions, traits and behaviours and yet I'm still really struggling to accept that I'm autistic. To the point of (and this is contradictory) that when I refer to myself as autistic and try and own that identity I get a visceral reaction that sometimes includes the arm flailing that first developed as a teenager. 

Trying to move on and yet feel so held back by this inability to come to terms. What did any of you do to reconcile with your diagnosis?

Thanks in advance.

Parents

  • It doesn't matter whether you accept it or not, you are autistic and you've always been autistic - nothing has changed except your perception of yourself. But that perception will have been created from the stereotyped ideas of autism you've been fed by society over your lifetime.

    My discovery that I was autistic (in my fifties) was a shock. It felt like part of my brain was saying "oh yeah, I get it now - that's why you've always felt different" while another part of my brain was thinking " but I can't be autistic, I'm normal! ". But autism IS normal, for those of us born with brains that work a certain way. It's a bit like the Schrodingers Cat hypothesis - everyone is normal, while at the same time nobody is (because everyone is unique)

    The only way I could reconcile with my autism was to learn about it. I also found it helpful to learn about how neurotypical brains develop and what the difference is to autistic brains (The best resource I found for this was a book called "A field guide to Earthlings - an Autistic / Asperger view of neurotypical behaviour" ) It also helped to read posts on here written by other autistic adults, and to watch videos on the internet of autistic adults who don't "look" autistic. 

    Now, some years later, I "own" my autism. I don't tell everyone I meet, but I have told people I work with as I know them well. Although I wish I had made some different decisions when I was younger, I can't change that - I can only decide how I want to live now, which is a life that pretty much suits me - living within walking distance of work so I don't have to get the bus daily, working in a quiet office with my desk facing the wall and control over temperature and lighting (having asked for and been granted reasonable adjustments) and spending most of my non working time at home, with my partner and my special interests. I don't go to the work Christmas party, I don't hide my "unusual" special interests any more, and I'm no longer bothered if people like me or not. Since accepting myself, I appear to have become more accepted by others - perhaps because I now display my genuine self?

  • in reply to Lotus

    Thanks for that insight - one thing that comes from this is that some more patience might be in order on my part. I also agree that there is a high degree of probability that an internalised script is adding resistance. Thumbsup

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