Internalising a formal ASC diagnosis

In some ways I'm still going through that reconciliation process, but recent weeks I've felt it's becoming less painful. (Diagnosis was in Feb)

It's horrible to go through, knowing all my life I was different and that difference made things harder for me, caused issues for others and meant some things were unavoidably broken has been horrible . But then being diagnosed , finding it was definitely something I couldn't ever change was hard, very hard to accept.

I went through a very tough stage of feeling hyper aware of my autism, feeling like I didn't fit in,  would never fit in, people would be better off without me, I'm sure you know the thoughts. Distressing is an understatement.

I've had some counselling, did some psychoeducation sessions, read, joined this forum and read about peoples experiences. Also did some CBT just before diagnosis.

More recently, I have started to realise that autism isn't the only thing that's put people in the same disadvantaged position, there's neurological issues, mental health issues, physical issues, then social , financial issues. Put those together and that "normal" I craved to be  is a very hard to pin down minority within society. It may not actually exist. 

I've used the knowledge of my autism to understand myself. It means I can sometimes recognise when it's about to cause distress and stop it happening, realise when a big reaction I have to something is just totally wrong and can be ignored (not easy!) other times be less hard on myself and generally being less angry with the world. I meter out my energy more now, avoid things I know might hurt me that day, do them when I feel I might be more able, or not at all. Picking up on hobbies I'd abandoned last year due to becoming obsessed and unable to cope with them, approaching them with caution.

I've started to drop my mask at times. This is making me feel I have more energy. I think I was masking so much more than I would ever have needed to that it's probably made life easier not doing so much. 

Realising I don't need to get everything right all the time was hard, I used to stress that to fit in I must get 110 percent right , also be absolutely a people pleaser, or people would notice my difference and kick me out socially or at work. It's time to be slightly more selfish and not worry about other people's opinion of me. 

I've reflected on the whole of my life and focused on the bad. But recently started to think about achievements, some being solely down to autistic obsessive hyperfocus and attention to detail. 

I think everyone needs to go on a journey themselves to find some peace with it, I'm not there yet by a long way, but do feel I'm on my way but with a long way to go.

Reading this might not help or make it click into place for anyone else, but it might help them see that it's not as bad forever. There's been more good days in between the bad as I've gone along.

To anyone reading this, Good luck with your journey, I'm sure it'll be ok eventually, it's not easy. Above all look after yourself.

In some ways I'm still going through that reconciliation process, but recent weeks I've felt it's becoming less painful. (Diagnosis was in Feb)

It's horrible to go through, knowing all my life I was different and that difference made things harder for me, caused issues for others and meant some things were unavoidably broken has been horrible . But then being diagnosed , finding it was definitely something I couldn't ever change was hard, very hard to accept.

I went through a very tough stage of feeling hyper aware of my autism, feeling like I didn't fit in,  would never fit in, people would be better off without me, I'm sure you know the thoughts. Distressing is an understatement.

I've had some counselling, did some psychoeducation sessions, read, joined this forum and read about peoples experiences. Also did some CBT just before diagnosis.

More recently, I have started to realise that autism isn't the only thing that's put people in the same disadvantaged position, there's neurological issues, mental health issues, physical issues, then social , financial issues. Put those together and that "normal" I craved to be  is a very hard to pin down minority within society. It may not actually exist. 

I've used the knowledge of my autism to understand myself. It means I can sometimes recognise when it's about to cause distress and stop it happening, realise when a big reaction I have to something is just totally wrong and can be ignored (not easy!) other times be less hard on myself and generally being less angry with the world. I meter out my energy more now, avoid things I know might hurt me that day, do them when I feel I might be more able, or not at all. Picking up on hobbies I'd abandoned last year due to becoming obsessed and unable to cope with them, approaching them with caution.

I've started to drop my mask at times. This is making me feel I have more energy. I think I was masking so much more than I would ever have needed to that it's probably made life easier not doing so much. 

Realising I don't need to get everything right all the time was hard, I used to stress that to fit in I must get 110 percent right , also be absolutely a people pleaser, or people would notice my difference and kick me out socially or at work. It's time to be slightly more selfish and not worry about other people's opinion of me. 

I've reflected on the whole of my life and focused on the bad. But recently started to think about achievements, some being solely down to autistic obsessive hyperfocus and attention to detail. 

I think everyone needs to go on a journey themselves to find some peace with it, I'm not there yet by a long way, but do feel I'm on my way but with a long way to go.

Reading this might not help or make it click into place for anyone else, but it might help them see that it's not as bad forever. There's been more good days in between the bad as I've gone along.

To anyone reading this, Good luck with your journey, I'm sure it'll be ok eventually, it's not easy. Above all look after yourself.

Thanks for your openness with your experience. This past week has felt hugely destabilised for me, tension and stress far higher than normal, every day starting out painfully dysregulated and noticing with acute awareness autistic traits, overwhelm, sensitivities and so on. 

At the same time, exhaustion and overwhelm (simply feeling like I can't cope further) have led to cracks in masking, which brings feelings of being  unnaturally exposed, vulnerable and horribly compromised.

Your observations about coming to know personal autistic traits and then managing them is probably where I need to be rather than engaged in a fight against a diagnosis that literally all the evidence is pointing at, and which to accept provokes an unnameable gamut of poignant feelings.