Verbal abuse and autism

This sounds terrible, I’m so sorry. Abuse is never ok - and someone being autistic in no way excuses physical or verbal abuse. As you’ve been having couple’s counselling I hope you’ve already discussed this with your therapist? 
Your wife is obviously suffering and unhappy, and I feel huge compassion for her. But it’s not acceptable for her to be abusive to you, and it’s extremely serious that your children are witnessing this. Living in that environment could (and frankly probably will) have serious lifelong consequences for them. You have to have a red line with your wife about violence and abuse in front of your children. Please seek professional counselling for this situation. Both your wife and your whole family need help to deal with this. I wish you all luck.

Kate Kestrel said:

You have to have a red line with your wife about violence and abuse in front of your children. Please seek professional counselling for this situation. Both your wife and your whole family need help to deal with this.

I'll second this.

I get that she is getting herself into a meltdown and things become very difficult for her but it is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for terrible behaviour.

Once she started to become abusive then she crossed the line and seems to be allowing herself to be an a-hole without consequences.

Her lack of apologies for the behaviour now would indicate that she is sliding into contempt for you and allowing the abuse to escalate - one of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse if I recall. Bring it up in couples therapy but I think it won't make much difference.

A simple online test for autism should give you a good enough indication to work out if therapy for this is worthwhile - otherwise I would perhaps escalate her to see a psychiatrist to get a clearer idea of what is going on so a different theraputic approach can be agreed upon.

IF she is autistic then developing regulation techniques for stress will help a lot and your couples therapist can help develop some ideas with you both. Note that you may have to do a lot of heavy lifting for a while with the day to day stuff to give her some space to recharge.

I suspect there are other issues at play with the relationship that have led to this so you need to keep working on these too, but carefully and positively. Listen to her concerns and accept they may be different to what you consider "normal" in the event she is autistic - out brains are wired differently.

It is a difficult path and needs a lot of work (been there, got those scars!) but is worth it in the end whatever the outcome.

Good luck and I wish you a happy outcome.

Kate Kestrel said:

You have to have a red line with your wife about violence and abuse in front of your children. Please seek professional counselling for this situation. Both your wife and your whole family need help to deal with this.

I'll second this.

I get that she is getting herself into a meltdown and things become very difficult for her but it is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for terrible behaviour.

Once she started to become abusive then she crossed the line and seems to be allowing herself to be an a-hole without consequences.

Her lack of apologies for the behaviour now would indicate that she is sliding into contempt for you and allowing the abuse to escalate - one of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse if I recall. Bring it up in couples therapy but I think it won't make much difference.

A simple online test for autism should give you a good enough indication to work out if therapy for this is worthwhile - otherwise I would perhaps escalate her to see a psychiatrist to get a clearer idea of what is going on so a different theraputic approach can be agreed upon.

IF she is autistic then developing regulation techniques for stress will help a lot and your couples therapist can help develop some ideas with you both. Note that you may have to do a lot of heavy lifting for a while with the day to day stuff to give her some space to recharge.

I suspect there are other issues at play with the relationship that have led to this so you need to keep working on these too, but carefully and positively. Listen to her concerns and accept they may be different to what you consider "normal" in the event she is autistic - out brains are wired differently.

It is a difficult path and needs a lot of work (been there, got those scars!) but is worth it in the end whatever the outcome.

Good luck and I wish you a happy outcome.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate the feedback.