I went to a concert at the theatre tonight with my mum and left halfway through, during the interval, because of how anxious I was sitting near people. Lots of people were getting drunk and being talkative and I felt very uncomfortable. My mum left too.
I saw a woman who I'm in love with's car this morning too (I don't think she saw me, she was just driving past somewhere I was walking with my mum). I haven't spoken to her for half a year, she cut off contact and I miss her. She means the world to me.
My dad got drunk at home today, he doesn't usually, and he was more talkative than usual and cheerful and I just felt quite miserable and it felt awful being near him. I could bearly mask and pretend to be happy but I wanted him to be happy. Awkward.
I've been sober for 9 weeks from alcohol, that's how I used to conceal the depression from myself and the world to an extent. I'm living with my parents and it 's awkward sometimes, my dad has dementia and barely goes out but I'm not a very talkative person all the time.
My social worker is looking into getting me into a shared living house for Autistic people who need extra support, I'm not sure I would like that either. It would involve always having a staff member there 24 hours a day but I'm not convinced I would like it nor sharing with other people. However I've also tried living alone in flats and tend to not like that either, I do not like council estate or housing associations from my experience of them, the atmosphere.
Private rent is a possibility but not easy as I'm too ill to work, they're more expensive I worry rents on them could go up more in the future and no guarantee of a secure tenancy.
Sometimes all life seems to be is disappointment. 
