Hi all, I go through these really low episodes, sometimes they last 3 days sometimes they last 3 weeks. It's sort of like a headache, it comes in, takes over, and when I think it's about to leave, it comes on even more intense. Then, the day comes, and it's gone again. The same thoughts cross my mind as they did when I was in this episode, but I can rationally analyse the thoughts and be more at peace with lifes indifferences. This has happened for most of my life. I have had the "depression and anxiety" diagnosis because for a long time I only knew how to explain these feelings. Now as I've gotten older I've realised more about them. What actually triggers it. And funnily enough, these realisations have been a part of my journey in learning about my autism.
So, picture before the low episode, imagine a striving young women, wanting to improve her life, all these ideas and hobbies and interests running through her head, she tries to take life by the horns, she tries to get out the house more and make connections again, she tries to dress up and take care of her self more and establish more of an identity. She tries to get a job, to find an academic course to improve finding a job. She tries.
Then, the overwhelm comes in. Conflict with people happens, too many projects have been started and not finished, hyper focused on hobbies and interests lead to having more bills due to spending incorrectly out of poor impulse control, motivation starts to fade, lots of rejection for jobs because nobody wants to hire, the courses aren't eligible or just too expensive, self care starts going down hill, she notices she hasn't showered or brushed her teeth, ambition for hobbies starts to fade and she feels confused on how to break free of the pattern.
And once again, the low mood comes in, never feeling quite adequate to create a more fulfilling life. Finding obstacles too overwhelming so I resort back into a comftable calm routine. But not healthy. Not really living.
I've learnt I need to find ways to remember ordinary tasks life self care and hygiene, I'm not really sure why it slips my mind because it's upsetting realising that you've not been doing things that are a little bit gross to think about. I've been thinking of making prints of tasks that are a necessity to daily living for all adults.
I've ran out of time writing this, I may try and come back to it later. Thank you for reading 