Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I go through these really low episodes, sometimes they last 3 days sometimes they last 3 weeks. It's sort of like a headache, it comes in, takes over, and when I think it's about to leave, it comes on even more intense. Then, the day comes, and it's gone again. The same thoughts cross my mind as they did when I was in this episode, but I can rationally analyse the thoughts and be more at peace with lifes indifferences. This has happened for most of my life. I have had the "depression and anxiety" diagnosis because for a long time I only knew how to explain these feelings. Now as I've gotten older I've realised more about them. What actually triggers it. And funnily enough, these realisations have been a part of my journey in learning about my autism.
So, picture before the low episode, imagine a striving young women, wanting to improve her life, all these ideas and hobbies and interests running through her head, she tries to take life by the horns, she tries to get out the house more and make connections again, she tries to dress up and take care of her self more and establish more of an identity. She tries to get a job, to find an academic course to improve finding a job. She tries.
Then, the overwhelm comes in. Conflict with people happens, too many projects have been started and not finished, hyper focused on hobbies and interests lead to having more bills due to spending incorrectly out of poor impulse control, motivation starts to fade, lots of rejection for jobs because nobody wants to hire, the courses aren't eligible or just too expensive, self care starts going down hill, she notices she hasn't showered or brushed her teeth, ambition for hobbies starts to fade and she feels confused on how to break free of the pattern.
And once again, the low mood comes in, never feeling quite adequate to create a more fulfilling life. Finding obstacles too overwhelming so I resort back into a comftable calm routine. But not healthy. Not really living.
I've learnt I need to find ways to remember ordinary tasks life self care and hygiene, I'm not really sure why it slips my mind because it's upsetting realising that you've not been doing things that are a little bit gross to think about. I've been thinking of making prints of tasks that are a necessity to daily living for all adults.
I've ran out of time writing this, I may try and come back to it later. Thank you for reading
Motivation and willpower are good to get things started, but you only have a limited amount of it, before it gets drained and goes away, and they're not things to completely depend upon to do things for the long-term, although they are great for getting things started. If you use them to start off a routine, and get into the habit of doing that routine, that might be helpful.
It seemed like you tried to power through all these things, like you tried to look, dress, act a certain way, go out, make connections, tried to get a job, but then lost momentum and energy, and maybe got burned out and exhausted from trying all these things. I would suggest trying to pace yourself, so that you can do something small over the long term, so that you don't exhaust yourself like that. And take breaks every so often.
Some people just spend like an hour of their morning to trying to find a job and apply to places, and then they do other things with their time after that. I mean that's a manageable amount of time for most people to do, and they feel good about having done something for the day.
And then the impulse spending is just emotional spending, it's what people do to try and alleviate stress, by gathering more resources, and more stuff, to make them happier. Perhaps it's a natural response from our evolution, that when the ancients were stressed, gathering more resources would secure their survival and make them happier, and we continue to do that today. Except, money is needed to pay for bills, not to pay for just random stuff. I mean, I also have a problem with spending sometimes, like I have a box full of pens and pencils... like why do I need so many of them? I could open up my own store at this rate. So my suggestion is that before you buy anything, try to picture where you'll put it in your house, when you'll actually use it, and if you already have a similar item already. Hopefully this will prevent some of the impulse spending.
At the start of a project everything's great, but trying to finish a project is always hard to do. It is like if you're in a race, of course you'll have a lot of energy at first, but as you run, you get more and more tired, and then it's hard to make it to the finish line, if at all. So it's good to pace yourself, so that you don't burn through all your energy. But sometimes you can power through it if you're close to the finish line. Hopefully you can finish your projects, so that you don't feel uneasy about it anymore.
And if you work with people, it's not always going to be great. Even familys can have arguments and problems with each other, and people in relationships who supposingly love each other can have problems too, so I just expect that conflict can happen between people, but it's also about how to navigate through problems so that solutions can be found.
I think trying to look for a job is a depressing time for a lot of people, considering the amount of rejection they will face. And for employers, they expect people to be nervous and anxious when they come in during the interviews, but it's not great to see the depression, anxiety, and the desperation that people have. They wouldn't hire someone who is despatate for money, because they want to see a person who actually cares about the job itself. However, there are a few people who are positive, who show they want to help the company out, and who are willing to learn, and those people are the ones that stand out in the minds of employers.
I still have issues with self-care, so I'm not one to give advice for this, considering I still struggle with it. But I hope that you do take care of yourself, and you find a job that you like.