Published on 12, July, 2020
Just found an explanation of why questions make us autistic adults nervous. I would have just said it's because I don't know what to expect, but who does? Here's the clearer explanation:
"We have to do manually what neurotypical brains do automatically...
We have to manually modify our speech patterns, facial expressions and tone of voice, so as not to come across as rude or defensive, whilst also coming up with a correct and socially acceptable answer in seconds .... And it's an exhausting balancing act." - Jaime A Heidel, The Articulate Autistic
Also, the article mentions that when we answer a question, we want to make sure we are answering with all the correct information and details, which also resonates with me.
This is relevant to all our conversation I think, not just about questions. I find that I often go over past conversations in my head, wishing I had added something or phrased something differently. I also rehearse future conversations.
This has really helped me understand why I've had problems with communication and relationships in the past, what masking is, and why I've always got tired so easily.
I'm the same with questions, I answer how/what I think I need to based on it being complete and accurate. Then get paranoid after about what I did or didn't day, replaying conversations in my head.
Apparently though the answer to "you ok?" Is "yep" , not a "no" followed by a well scripted detail account of why not.
One thing I keep hearing is how only a small percentage of communication is verbal, which means we're missing a lot in both directions.
Science says that in face to face communication its--
7% verbal/spoken.
55% body language.
38% tone and voice.
I wonder if it's also actually harder once we tell people we're autistic too, as you introduce the double empathy "problem". Not telling people and just masking , although exhausting, can get us through. Doesn't feel right that it's expected though.
Autisician said:Then get paranoid after about what I did or didn't day, replaying conversations in my head.
That is totally me. That has me as the Matrix had Neo. When that kicks in, I go from "I said the wrong thing" to "they will use it against me". Then, all hell breaks loose.
Takes me days to come back from that place.
I've had those same thoughts stuck in my head for months and ruining every day after a really bad episode of trying to guess what I don't know from a situation, usually proven to be totally wrong afterwards too.
Mark twain said something along the lines of " I've lived through many troubles in my life, most of which never happened" , we can sometimes torture ourselves with intrusive repetitive thoughts.
Autisician said:Mark twain said something along the lines of " I've lived through many troubles in my life, most of which never happened"
One of my favourite quotes from M.T. So true.