Published on 12, July, 2020
Being autistic has always been severely difficult for me. I was viciously bullied all through high school, taken advantage of CONSTANTLY as an adult, and I have to sift through all this ALL BY MYSELF.
Now why would someone purposely isolate themselves from people? I notice how people are. I am just about right every time about them. I go "off script" and then they can suddenly tell I'm not "normal." Then the distancing starts. And then the adult bullying and pushing me out of the social circle begins.
I do try to be friendly. Truly. I dont try to overwhelm anyone with my presence. I learned to mask at a young age due to childhood trauma but it only works till they realize I'm different.
What makes this even more difficult is that there are so many people online faking being autistic for attention. I go through so much crap on a constant basis due to this and I don't want it. I don't want to be autistic. I hate it. And yet people jump on a bandwagon for pats on the back as if they've done the work.
I am so alone and so lonely and I fear there's no hope for someone like myself. I don't know what I want posting all this here. I think it's venting. I think I just feel alone.
It seems like you know how to make friends, but it's hard to maintain friendships, especially if they try to distance themselves from you. I've heard that for some people, if they see that you're going through a hard time, they will distance themselves from you, to allow you to have the space to deal with your problems on your own and figure something out for them, but I've always been confused about this, because they never ask if you need help or support, they just start distancing themselves from you.
But anyways, I lived with the school bully, and I grew up with domestic violence, so I know where you're coming from. There are are many people who feel as if they are alone, and yet they'll have similar backgrounds.