Why I didn't know I was autistic

My childhood experience was quite different. I hated noise, it was painful. Not only to my ears. I felt it like pain in my body. So school breaks and trips were painful. Generally before I entered the school building I felt some kind of force that pulled me back. That was the noise, the crowd, lights, smells. Everything mixed. I was bullied all the time and it took me years to even start trying to interact with my peers. I was picked by the teachers but my mom refused having me tested. My interests were pretty stereotypical- trams and magnets. I loved reading encyclopedias and watching documentaries. I felt comfortable spending time with adults or little children. But when I was told to go to my peers, I felt lost. I used to script whole conversations in my head. I stimmed a lot and I still do. 
As a young adult I started masking a lot to fit in. But when I noticed that it hurts me, does not serve me and does not really work, I stopped. Not fully, but I don’t bother so much anymore. Just as much as needed. Now it’s much easier for me, because I figured out many things on my own, got experience, and awareness. Now I don’t script so much, but still have to remind myself to give some certain answer to a certain question that comes most often. Before I approach someone I also think what do I say first. Like always I enjoy my own company and creating something on my own. I love silence and generally calm neutral environment. Everyday I take a break from everything and everyone to recharge and to prevent having heavier reactions. I feel like my sensory sensitivities get kinda worse, maybe it’s my impression but I’m always with my best friends to feel comfortable. Ear plugs and sunglasses. I used to be a people pleaser too, finally started setting some boundaries but still working on it. 

I love silence too, I used to go on silent retreats, it was really interesting being with other people and none of use talking, you get to know people in such a different way as there are so few clues to who they are, you end up seeing the inner person. I find having close neighbours a trial especially at weekends and in school holidays when the children are all outside and playing loudly, there music on in at least one garden and BBQ's the smell of which make me feel sick.

But I do often think that any slight difference an autistic person has is blamed on autism, like we're not allowed to dislike something or dress a certain way or do certsin things, when in fact everybody has things they like or dislike, people make different choices about what to wear and their look. I feel like this constant focus on what we do differently isn't always helpful for us or NT's. I feel that us round pegs are being put into very confined round holes which is better than being forced into a square hole, but we need to define our own size and shape of hole or we get into "am I autistic enough" nonsense. Of course we do have differences to NT's, but I think that as I get older, I see less diference and more similarities, maybe that's because NT's get less conformist as they get older too? I think it's terrible that diagnosis are being put in pink and blue boxes, girls so this and boys do that, society as a whole has been trying to move away from this type of stereotyping for decades, why is it different for us?

All in all I think us autists have things that we could teach the NT world that would benefit all of us, a quieter world, a less smelly one, being allowed to be a human being rather than a human doing.

I think a lot of people suffer in this world, because of the standard that is being somehow forced onto everyone. But basically not everyone fits that standard. I feel much more comfortable around a person who behaves differently than the imposed standard, who stims, talk their own peculiar way, because this way I can see two things - this person is authentic and I don’t have to pretend much in interactions with this person, I can be also more authentic and not worry about comments or weird looks. I had a colleague in the college. He often came to me with questions about things that the lecturer talked about. I can write very fast. So I write what I hear but I make sense of it only when I read it later. Whenever he came to me I always just gave him the simplest possible answer and guided him, where he can find more detailed info to read and understand everything. I basically assumed that he had issues to understand spoken word. Just like me. He also walked around the campus with only one friend and others made fun of him or them both. For me it was something absolutely normal and natural and also desired to move around always with only one person, although I didn’t have such a partner over there. When he approached me, he always looked st the tip of my nose. Masking eye contact issues. I didn’t bother to look at him at all. I just gave him all the answers while looking into space. I felt that there was some kinda connection, similarities between us. Other students didn’t understand him, I did. I had no idea about autism at that time. I feel much different in NT world and I feel absolutely normal here in our ND autistic tribe, although everyone is different in both, NT and ND world. The goal is understanding and acceptance from both sides. I think everyone would benefit if we as whole humanity abolish most of the standards that force all the pegs into one hole. 

I’m sorry to hear that.
I guess your survival instincts kicked in and you used your super power to get round the bullying. 

I hope the bodyguards are remorseful for what happened in your past, they owed you that protection at the very least.

I’m sorry to hear that.
I guess your survival instincts kicked in and you used your super power to get round the bullying. 

I hope the bodyguards are remorseful for what happened in your past, they owed you that protection at the very least.