Feel like a bad person after the mistakes I’ve made

When I say selfish and not share, I am referring to situations in person like you’ve described. 

by sharing what you’re going through anonymously here, there’s already a degree of healthy separation and room for other to choose if they wish to engage- including yourself. 

Learn to be selfish with your feelings and not share them immediately. They’re simply messengers and they’ll come and go. The problem is WHAT they signal, needs a great deal of decoding. And this takes learned skills. 

We live in a demanding world. So much so that we are even taught to be slaves to every thought and feeling while being expected not to- its a trap!. Unless you’re born into wealth, you can even be taught that you don’t have a right or the freedom to Take the Necessary Time needed to make a rational decision. This is also a lie..

it’s important to allow the feelings to exist while not acting of them, just breathing (or crying) through them. Rather than denying them, write them down. Allow yourself to feel and process them. Wait for the intensity to subside before making any decisions. This can take a decade to master like any art. But commit to the process of becoming who you envision your future self to be.

One thing about being human involves Control. Everyone has control issues to one degree or another. And coupled with intense feelings and incorrect expectations, these control issues can be our demise. It’s important to recognise when trying to control others, but without this we wouldn’t be able to seize control of our selves, and slowly employ self disciplines which are emotionally hard in the moment but create future positive consequences which we feel proud of or relief from.

It’s the intensity of impact which is unique to Au/ADHD. Everything else is Nature vs Reason and we might not have gotten the subliminal message with how to respond, so find ourselves in need of instruction and wisdom. Being open like you have can only help you grow!

have a look at this Instagram account and scroll down to a Reel on Autistic Limerence. It may resonate. www.instagram.com/thearticulateautistic

Video games distract from reality.

I’m not sure what to say to help because I am mixed on this. While I understand that you feel like you have gone too far with things but at the same time I know the feeling of having a bit of what people call an “obsession” with someone that you have a strong connection with. I have a strong emotional attachment to my best friend who I am currently staying with and being around him every day, getting to see him and talk with him, share things with him and everything makes me feel safe and secure in the world, the best way to describe it is like Linus in the Peanuts universe who is always seen with his blanket and his reactions to whenever the blanket is misplaced he feels very unsafe and insecure without it.

This is a trait commonly seen in Autistic children with their mothers, or in my case it was my grandmother when I was a child, and it is accepted and more understood when they are children but as soon as it’s an adult Autistic person having an attachment to another person, whether it is a friend or significant other, it is seen as creepy, obsessive, inappropriate, unhealthy and pretty much wrong in whatever way doesn’t fit the social “norm” or life and this has always bothered me because Autism and traits like that don’t just go away in adulthood, it’s just the Autistic person masking their Autistic traits and doing harm to themselves.

Yeah, my bond to this friend is the same bond that I had with my grandmother, I was always insecure and felt unsafe whenever I wasn’t near her and she didn’t mind, she didn’t see it as weird or anything bad, she accepted that it was just part of who I am and just let me do it. Now as an adult with my friend, everyone makes it this weird thing and a joke because I linger towards him whenever my anxiety is getting too much for me, like when I was at the reenactment I went to and the guns and cannons they were using were going off the noise was a lot for me, especially as we were very close and I had headphones and music on trying to drown it out but it got too much for me and I tried to get as close to my friend as possible to feel safe and secure and people think that’s just unnatural, weird and wrong but to me it’s like “I can’t help this, why am I villain for something that I can’t help because people can’t be understanding that he makes me feel safe and I am just trying to feel safe?”

It is like I have said before, it’s exhausting to be expected to mask about everything that makes you not yourself and be neurotypical when you’re not just to appease others. It shouldn’t matter what others think or feel, if my friend understands that I’m hovering close to him to feel safe and secure that’s all that should matter to anyone else and who gives a flying f*ck what everyone else thinks or feels?

Sorry for venting but this whole thing about Autistic adults having attachments to people and people not understanding how harmful and detrimental losing that person can be to an Autistic person just makes me sad because it shows just how bad and hypocritical things are when people are okay if it’s an Autistic child doing it but Autistic adults are expected to mask this.

Maybe You need to Stop OTHER People being the centre of Your World.
If You learn to respect and love YOURSELF maybe You could take Your pick of the best the World has to offer.
Boost Your self-esteem and when you look back......

As Cleo said, you have made the first step by trying to get therapy/counselling.

I'm wondering if you are trying too hard to have a lot of friends and go out a lot when what you actually need is some time alone. When you are young you can feel like you should be making lots of friends and being in touch all the time, and these days everyone expects you to be on social media too, but it can be exhausting having constant contact with people, and when our minds are exhausted it's difficult to make sensible decisions. 

Perhaps try finding an interest or hobby that you can do on your own at home, such as reading, drawing, writing, puzzles, and turn off your phone/ social media while doing it, which will allow your mind to focus on that activity and forget about your "social life" for a few hours.

lol true story

I hear you - the good thing is - you have identified there is an issue and that you want to change it.  Well Done.  You are also actively seeking out help - another Well Done.  It certainly is challenging distracting our minds from the thing they are focused on.  What kind of human buys a burner phone?  A desperately lonely one.  Does it help if you try think of how hurt the person on the other side would feel if they knew about it?  Somehow try to put yourself in their space?  I dunno - but I hope it works out for you

dunno, i dont have any friends so my easy answer is to not care and sit back and play some video games and forget it all.
if they need to do any contacting or social stuff they will do it themselves and come to you. or they wont come to you but that will be ok because you always have video games!!! lol