Published on 12, July, 2020
After stepping away due to one of my post (this one in particular: https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/36798/i-don-t-think-neurotypicals-understand-what-we-autistics-mean-by-accommodate-to-us-who-are-autistic) caused some controversy, I have thought about it for some time and I think a clarification is needed here.
This issue I have a lot of the times is people not being held accountable for their actions, people not making things right and justification for every wrong that a person does to people and somehow finding a way to blame the victim in any way, shape or form. As I have stated I have been through and blamed for a lot of other people’s horrific actions, (as I have pointed out here: https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/36746/does-anyone-else-always-say-sorry-or-is-it-just-me) and even though I am Autistic, I am still a human being who has spent 37 years of his life masking myself to be what everyone wants me to be, pretty much neurotypical ,and at 37 years of putting up with constant abuse, a person gets tired, hits a breaking point and that’s pretty much where I am at when it comes to a lot of the “norms” neurotypicals do, and while yeah generalization is bad and there maybe some good neurotypical people out there, a majority of them are pretty much discriminatory towards Autistic people because of their ignorance and inability to get past old outdated stereotypes of Autism.
For example, many times I have been compared to Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory and while I enjoy the show, I despise a lot of Sheldon’s personality because it is mostly Autistic stereotypical behaviors that he does, for example, he’s not empathetic, very condescending, self-centered/selfish, arrogant, things that have been associated with Autism and yet is the furthest thing from the truth of Autistic people.
And constantly having to mask, even when you’re upset, hurting, feeling misunderstood, unheard, mistreated and everything, it’s just too much at times and it’s a neurotypical thing. There’s been a lot of research that has shown consistently having to mask is detrimental to Autistic people (https://nurselinecs.co.uk/autism/what-are-the-effects-of-autism-masking/) so when you have to conform 24/7 to every single neurotypical person you encounter, who wouldn’t have enough of it? If me wanting to not mask by conforming to the neurotypical games of making life intentionally over complicated, unfair/unequal, having double standards, hypocrisy, discrimination, lying, injustice, things not made right, not holding people accountable, and anything else that is wrong, all of which are a choices that people don’t have to make at all, is a problem because usually that’s when I have an issue because I feel like I am always being forced to conform to things and am unable to be my true self and it just does me more harm than good.
I’m just freaking exhausted and tired of putting up with it and I am tired of masking and conforming all the time. I just wanted to put this out there and I’m going again. I felt that there was a lot misconstrued and people making assumptions about things when I try to explain things the best I can and somehow using an example of things beyond Autistic people’s control, like loud noises, somehow got turned into what my beef was about when the list I had made was actually the biggest issues I have had for years and am getting very tired of being forced to conform to all the time. Anywho, I’ll catch you all later.
It’s by Dr. Devin Price, the full title is Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity and was released in 2022.
Which one? There seem to be several with that title on Kindle?
Thank you! :-)
Yeah I suffer from PTSD and I have had therapy and medication but there’s not much research or guidance for therapist to deal with an Autism person who also suffers from PTSD as the treatments for an allistic person won’t work for everyone who is Autistic. At least, none of my therapist seemed interested in dealing with my PTSD over the years and more focused on my Autism and “fixing” it.
Hi Enflores3000, hope you are still here.
It's sad that you felt you were misunderstood when you posted threads on this forum,. I've just scanned through those posts and the replies, and there were some interesting ideas, but I can see how you did not feel supported by some of them. However, please believe that nobody was dismissing what you have experienced - we are all different, and sometimes we can go off on a thought tangent without any idea of how it might make someone feel - that is alexythemia coming into play, which is common in autistic people.
You have described a horrific childhood and that would affect anyone for years afterwards, and being autistic and also gay will also have made you feel different to others a lot of the time. I hope you won't think I'm being presumptive or blaming you for your situation when I say that it sounds like you may be experiencing depression or PTSD. Have you tried any therapy or medication to help you? I'm asking this as someone who genuinely wishes to see you feel better, and has seen other people be helped by these things.
I do completely understand about burn out and getting sick of people who aren't honest, won't be accountable for their actions and try to blame you for things. I experienced that in my 30s and the only way I got some peace of mind was by cutting myself off from all friends and family that were like that and if people at work became too difficult to deal with, I moved on to another job. I learned that trying to please and fit in with them was destroying who I was.
I can also understand you being unhappy at being compared to Sheldon Cooper, when you feel you are very different from that character. Unfortunately NT people who don't understand the intricacies of the spectrum often tend to just relate things to the only reference they have. It will take time for people to learn about what autism is and how diverse we are.
I actually liked Sheldon. Yes, he is egocentric, but that means that he doesn't care what others think of him and he has few self esteem issues. He upholds rules and believes others should follow them too. He sees no reason to change habits or schedules just to please.someone else. His apparently condescending/arrogant demeanour I believe is a mask - covering up his insecurities by reminding other people that he is cleverer than they are. You say he's not empathetic, but I think he just struggles to show it - he resorts to copying things he's seen other people do to comfort others, like making them a hot beverage when they are upset or singing a gentle song to them when they are sick.
I hope you manage to find a way to be happy. Be kind to yourself
Uhane said:Please read this book. "Unmasking Autism" . It is recent. Addresses all you struggle with.
I am reading it now.
JessaBee said:Seconded! That book is one of the best things I've ever purchased, recommend to one and all. I've read it several times and it's still relevant and useful to me
I have been enjoying it.
Seconded! That book is one of the best things I've ever purchased, recommend to one and all. I've read it several times and it's still relevant and useful to me.
It's the best autism resource I've got.
Good youcame back to share your thoughts and clarify your feelings. It's courageous to open up about such personal experiences and the exhaustion that comes from constantly having to mask your true self. It's clear that you've faced significant challenges and misunderstandings, and it's important that your voice is heard and respected. It’s also essential for everyone, neurotypical or not, to strive for more understanding and to challenge the stereotypes and generalizations that contribute to such difficulties. Your point about the need for genuine accommodation and understanding, rather than mere compliance to outdated norms, is very well made. Please know that your experiences resonate with many, and sharing them helps with greater awareness and empathy. Take care of yourself, and remember, your well-being and authenticity are important.
Welcome back!
If you haven't already seen it, I sent you a message before you briefly left.
Please read this book. "Unmasking Autism" . It is recent. Addresses all you struggle with.