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Can’t handle change no matter how hard I try

Rach91

Hi I am just really struggling to handle change I just can’t cope with it. Last night I was supposed to to have gone over my friends for a Chinese and film night a nice chill evening snuggling up to one of my closest friends but then he cancelled saying he wasn’t up for it and I just lost it I begged him to change his mind we argued and I went into meltdown. Then I calmed down tried talking to him explaining that I can’t cope and that I needed to see him as we had plans to see one another but he just told me to back off and said he wasn’t up for it as he wanted to be alone we are both on the spectrum and we clash a lot but even though we clash we always make up in the end. Anyway I just couldn’t cope with the change of plan I tried doing something else like I went to a gaming evening and played blood on the clock tower which is a social game where you have to guess who the demon in the group it helped for a short while but when it ended I just lost it again and I tried everything to explain to my friend that how much change affects me long story short we are still friends but he wants a time out and has blocked my number and this has affected me more with my emotions. I’m used to it we clash we make up it’s the way we are but I just want him to understand I can’t handle change well. Is anyone else like me with change and how can I handle it better and how can I help him understand how much change affects me? Please bare in mind we are both autistic we both have high functioning autism. 

  • The more we understand ourselves, the more responsibility we can take for our own well being. We cannot control what others choose to do. 

    Change is inevitable. I hate it, too. But as we grow, we all need to learn to ground our internal being, as time and chaos will create change around us. 

    What you've described experiencing is a difficulty everyone has. Last minute changes sever trust. If they happen on repeat, it's a sign the other is unreliable or not dependable.

    I might have a think about the unspoken "social" contract, what do they owe you? What do you owe them. If one person's irresponsibility or request triggers a trauma-response, then it may be important to start to think about creating a healthy distance with this person. Perhaps the dynamic isn't helpful or perhaps they're simply an addiction. 

    Being autistic means transitions and interruptions to flow are incredibly difficult. But this is my limit and my responsibility at the end of the day. The only person I would expect to feel responsible toward my difficulty would be first (hopefully) my parents and second, a spouse, but even then it's important to respect the other even if I have some emotional hard work to do. 

    I would cry through it and begin to examine what kind of relationships I want to create / invest in, and if this one might be something to fade out. This is hard, but we all need good boundaries, to respect one another and to feel respected. I cannot force others to do a thing or respect a thing.

    Respect should be given, but Trust is earned. 

  • Rach91 said:
    Last night I was supposed to to have gone over my friends for a Chinese and film night a nice chill evening snuggling up to one of my closest friends but then he cancelled saying he wasn’t up for it

    A female snuggling up to a make friend is possibly causing some sexual tension even if that wasn't your intention. It is quite possible that this could be why your friend is having closeness issues.

    If you just want him in your friendzone then it is important to agree this with him - I know it has been an issue for me when I was in my early 20s. He may be leaving your snuggle sessions with a boner that he doesn't want and is embarrasing for him.

    The fact that he is autistic too will not diminish his libido, but may well make it hard for him to discuss it. I would think that a clear discussion to set boundaries is important.

    Even if you are on a casual sexual relationship basis, the boundaries are important to set as neither of you seem to deal with ambiguity well.

    For your issues in dealing with change - they are your issues so get a therapist to help you deal with them. You can see they are unhelpful and damaging so the therapist can teach you techniques to deal with this and accept a degree of them within your life.

  • in reply to Lotus

    I am a part of different groups despite being autistic I enjoy meeting people I go to a board game group every Wednesday and I have other friends I can see but unfortunately with last minute change I couldn’t see them luckily though there where still tickets for blood on the clock tower so I did that instead. 

  • I understand completely - I absolutely hate it when people don't arrive on time or they change things at the last minute. It's really difficult to change to doing something else at short notice.

    I expect your friend cancelled the evening because he had a bad day and felt overloaded, so wanted to be alone, but understanding that doesn't help how the change affects you.

    The only thing I can suggest you do is be as prepared as possible. If you plan to see somebody at a certain time, prepare your backup plan at the same time, so you are more ready to do something else if the first plan falls through.If you were planning to have a meal with them, make sure you have an easy to prepare favourite meal in your fridge or freezer to enjoy if you have to stay home. And remember that you'll see that person another time - look on the plans as being postponed rather than cancelled.

    Another thing you can try to do is extend your circle of friends. Join groups that interest you so you have something in common to talk about, so that it's easier to befriend someone. You could mention in conversation with someone you meet how frustrating it is when people are late or change plans at the last minute, and if they agree then it might make friendship with them easier.

    There are no easy solutions, but I wish you luck Slight smile