Published on 12, July, 2020
Even if someone asks you, "what can I do to help you? what do you need from me?", because I do.
It's not even the fact I don't have the answer, I just hate giving it. I feel like I'm being difficult.
Like I might say, "I just want you to be there for me, and listen" and they're gonna turn around and say "nah, you're being unreasonable". I know most people aren't like that but I've convinced myself that they are.
I don't know what to say so people assume all is ok, and in a way it is, but in a way it is not ok as I neglect things, as I tend to ignore what I dont want to cope with. (Trying to cope with things is where anxiety ans shutdowns hit, so to avoid having them I just ignore things and situations. Example. I "Should" be claiming things like PIP and if the process was something I was ready to cope with I would claim it, but someone telling me "You need to do this or that to claim it" means I will just ignor claiming it because the stress of going through the process of claiming it is too much. Someone I know who is on the spectrum has help with everything as he contacts people and follows instructions without stress. I just hide away as I can't do it. (Went for years with no income after several burnouts because I did not know what was happening to me as I did not know I was on the spectrum, and I could not cope with life after or during burnouts, so I would quit jobs and sell a few posessions now and then to survive. Fortunately the autism people and a lady fro Mind (Mums friend whonis now housebound so can no longer do it) helped me. If it wasn't for them I would not have been able to claim the £360 something a month I am on (Universal Credit) which I am greatful for, as the stress of trying to sell posessions and not knowing if they would sell is quite high... Not as high as online forms are. I was ok before it all went online!)
Reality is that self help does not work with people like me when I need the help. When I don't need the help and I am doing ok, I don't need the self help advice, as I roughly know what to dp or how to find things out myself. I more that I can't cope with doing that when I need the help as I ignore things to keep the stress down.
Mountain Goat, I do that too, filling in forms will reduce me to a jibbering wreck faster than almost anything else, time and space seem to warp when people try and help me, they ask me questions I can't answer, ask me for things I don't have, get cross with me because of it which makes it all worse. Then to put the tin lid on it after all this trauma, my claim gets refused, then I get really cross with the person who's made me do this form filling as I've usually told them I'm not elligable or it won't work.
Not being at all tech savy people get cross with me, or listen to me, then tell me about all the wonderful things they can do for me online which I can't access, then I'm told I'm being difficult. Online forms are even harder than paper ones as you don't seem to be able to practice or undo mistakes.
I don't think many people understand the sort of brain freeze that happens when you're overloaded with information and questions especially from the well meaning, it can feel abusive, because they won't stop trying to cajool you into doing things. Telling someone who's scared, in a panic and has brain freeze that theres nothing to be afraid of and that this needs to be done in a slightly scolding voice, is enough to make me flip, I will either run away and hide until it feels safe to come out, if I can't runaway then I sometimes hide under tables or beds or something and if people try and touch me or drag me out, then I tend to come out fighting as I've tried flight and only fight is left and I'm quite good at fighting and it dosen't end well for anyone.