To Everyone But Specifically Autriker, I Sperg, Desmond79 and Uhane

You 4 have shown me extraordinary help and while I do trust most Autistic people as far more genuine than most neurotypical people (due to communication issues) I am trying to understand something that as a psychology major drop out(Major knowledge yet little experience understanding myself) I took several tests for Autism. If TLTR Skip to 3(appreciated if you don't though)

I've only recently begun to understand everyone's wasted energy and time to care about what I say. I have so much to say. I am trying to get it out respectfully. I appreciate all the help as I should not be alive by any mathematical standard so I CAN'T even figure my existence out. I live as a literal dichotomy with NT perception nearly as great as ND but without communication, they lose all understanding so I can't fight back because no amount of logic or reason beats down raw idiot emotion.

1) The first was 4 years ago, it was a psychiatric test. I came back at 89% chance I was Autistic. For 2 more years I ignored it even though I knew I was.

2) I took two more tests in the subsequent years another 87% the final 100%. The final one caught my eye because it gave an assessment of both neurotypical and neurodivergent traits.

3) Rating worked as follows. It was a decagon(I didn't know this term it means 10 sided.) Divided 2 ways, 5 on each side representing 5 factors divided left and right between Neurotypical/Neurodivergent between Talent, Perception, Communication, Relationship,Social.

4) This test is accredited but I do not remember where I took it. I saved the decagon(10, I still get lost beyond Hexegon) in the 5 traits on the neurotypical side I'm absent in all but 2.


5) Perception is rated 8.7 neurotypical and 10.0 in neurodivergent. This is my issue. Communicating with NT's is a 0.08 out of 10. I can understand how they think but I cannot communicate with them.

6) I understand why I am both so frustrated and have tried to harm and end myself so many times now. I don't know how to respond to this. I observe it every day and I cannot change it.

6.5) (Edited and important) (If anyone can explain this, I will be beyond thankful. Am I an idiot except by perception in the NT world? It would explain alot. On the flip side, am I a genius when I communicate with people like me? This test I remember was one of I think 5 my US Government uses. I know stating that probably hurts me more than it helps. I don't know where to base my perception,

I drain everything to understand them if I try to think like them BUT I am most happy ignoring ALL of them and living in my world which is mostly Anime, RPGs, Music, Poetry/Writing and Hard Sciences ALL of which have no interaction with real people if one is gifted enough that either they can make a living doing it. (I just shot a bullet in my theory but still want to hear the truth of what I cannot see.) I am so damn lost and have suffered more than most soldiers do in combat. Please read the next sentence. I am not stating this for pity as I have no friends or family, I have nothing to gain except help.

I am covered in so many scars from so many fatalistic attempts that I look like Frankenstein's monster. I need to figure out how to be who I am because as I stated before, stopped stimming at 16/started cuttingmyself at 16, started threatening suicide at 17(I told my mother and step father I'd kill myself if they made me go back to 11th grade then went to college and took the whole 5 exams back to back x5, passed them all before my HS students graduated) and by 24 attempted it.

7) I don't know how to fix my problems, I have the intellect and understanding but I am trapped in my mind without communication.

(7.5) DWYT nothing below relevant to the advice and help I'm asking for.

8) I don't want to create two threads and with this I have. So if I am taking up too much space, can this thread be moved to my other one? This is a 180 degree separate topic so I don't know how I should post it.

9) Any answers from you guys and gals and anyone else is greatly appreciated. Writing this was as exhaustive as you all reading it so I TRULY appreciate it.