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Late diagnosis

Hergé

Hi,

Do you you are one small disaster away from the illusion of normality coming crashing down.

I was diagnosed at the age of 50 after decades of being "a square peg". Initially it was a relief as it explained so much of what I was or wasn't feeling. Now I'm presented with the question of " who the f@#k am I" as my true persona maybe isn't what I show to the world or myself.

I'm married, have kids and dogs, I work full time and feel I'm living in an artificial reality as it seems to be all an act.

Maybe it's because I'm really not sleeping well and the fatigue is catching up.

I was given trazodon to help my sleep but it seemed to increased my anxiety and ruin my already poor sleep pattern.

Now I'm being prescribed a low dose antipsychotic as well as a SSRI to see if this helps.

I find this is mildly terrifying.

  • Even before my realisation I often felt that I’m acting and that I don’t actually know who I am anymore. I’ve changed so much that I almost lost my old self. I also remember periods of heavy masking in my early adulthood, but now I think I do it less and I feel happier with myself. 

  • in reply to NAS65321

    Hi. Thank you. This does sound familiar. The little boy analogy rings so true. Take care 

  • Yes I think this is a very common feeling, so even if it feels like you are alone in your feelings there are people out there who feel similarly and have found ways to cope and thrive. While I appreciate the increasing talk/focus on unmasking and becoming 'your true self', I do think this makes it easy to feel like the person you are when masking (and depending on your day-to-day, just 'living life') is not who you are. All people are a complex patchwork of emotions, thoughts, experiences, values and so much more acquired over time - you've always been autistic, now you have a bit more information to explain why you might feel or think a certain way - but it doesn't mean your personality before diagnosis was fundamentally 'wrong'. It is possible to enjoy/appreciate things like kids, dogs, and marriage while also being autistic, it doesn't make your personality or diagnosis any more or less valid. Equally, the diagnosis hopefully helps you feel like you are less 'wrong' for not being able to connect with/do some things that other people seem to find easy.

    As a start- can you notice any aspects of your personality that have been constant and you are happy with? A simple one for me is my love and joy for learning- a sense of wonder that has been present both 'pre' and 'post' diagnosis, always there (I am starting to recognise that even if it has been suppressed by depression, stress, and anxiety). Once you can recognise it, you can begin to foster this feeling and (hopefully!) gain a feeling of reconnecting with who you are. I hope this helps, apologies if you wanted to avoid advice.

  • You are not alone, I am 54 and only realised at 50 I had ASD and now know I have ADHD too. I also no longer really have any idea who I am. I know I am not the person I was in my 20's and 30's and certianlly not the person I was before 2020. I have tried, in private, to find out who I am and to be honest I am still that little boy who does not under stand the world and just wants to sit quietly on his own and play with Lego and read. I want somebody to hold my hand and tell me everything is OK but that can nolonger happen. 

    Mine is all an act, its now what people expect from me and largely what I do seems to fit in with what they expect. I have withdrawn from social stuff over the last couple of years, I just downt have the energy to fake that any more. I am kinder to myself and have atleast one day at the weekend as a me day.