Published on 12, July, 2020
I asked this question elsewhere else recently but I thought I’d ask here too as I’m curious.
I got into a bit of an argument with a friend recently due to a misunderstanding between ourselves. We were talking about something personal and then a couple of days later she messaged me to say that I made her feel bad because I apparently got “defensive” as we were talking.
I was really confused by this because I didn’t think I *was* being defensive (still don’t) but obviously that’s how I came across to her. Anyway, it got me wondering if this was an autistic thing and apparently it is. I read a blog post from an autistic woman saying how our facial expressions and tone of voice can be mismatched with our real feelings, so in a NT orientated world we are often misunderstood based on these things alone. It would explain why so many autistic get accused of being “rude” when they aren’t.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
I have this all the time. Hate it, because you can't respond to challenge it, otherwise it confirms you're being defensive. Only other option is to apologise, but then you're admitting you were defensive. I don't think I ever am, but I'm told I am ALL THE TIME. I've lost jobs because of it. Sometimes I get emotional and cry because I really don't think I am being defensive, I'm just trying to state my opinion because I feel people aren't listening or appreciating I am seeing the situation different to them. To me, other people aren't listening to me and I feel ignored. Society seems to want everyone to conform and agree with each other, and when you don't YOU'RE in the wrong.
I don't know the solution. I'm told I need to think about my tone, intonation, and language used. But I don't know how else to phrase things. If I don't agree with something, or I think someone is misunderstanding me, I feel I need to speak out on this. But yeah, apparently it's being "defensive" and I get told off. Sigh.