I'm 33, diagnosed at 16. Aspergers but, I don't feel 'High funtioning' at all these days.
And like the title says I'm scared litterally all the time, in the midsts of any joy I have.
Every time I say good by to my best freind it almoast feels like it might be forever- Even if we plan to talk the next day.
I go to sleep in constant fear that tomorow I'll get that brown envelope calling me to a medical. The mere word 'benefit' triggers a panic attack- I havent watched the news since the ConDems took power, and I used to pride myself on having several news sorces to avoid biass.
I live with my parents still because, I can't leave the house or deal with people face to face. And for now it goes well but they're both getting older. Right now its a good symbyosis, they cover for my neurological failings, I cover for their physiological.
But that worm of fear fouls it too, they wont live for ever and I dont know what to do.
I'm studying at the Open university, but, even if I get my degree, and it often feels for all every one tells me I'm very bright that I wont, what use is a degree in Natural sciences to someone who only leaves the house 3 to 4 times a year?
I can cope with life online, text, simple and unadorned is my favored medium of comunication. Love to read, am told I have talent as a writer, but no idea hw to take it past that and... well, all it takes is a missed payment, a broken computer, I vanish my window into the world closed for ever.
I'm better right now than many- Ive faced 2 medicals though not under the new regeme which is what scares me, and been uncontested. I have a support worker in the local council. But If I talk to her it all starts moving too fast, becomes too real, so, I can't. I have a freind I made in school who by now i smore like a brother and though he lives at the other end of the country we instant message every day. I even have a few online haunts where, under the security mask of a user name, I am one of the regs part of the furnature. But no one I could ask for help, no one in a position to help.
I'm not suicidal. Not yet. But theres a bar, a point that I know my life as I define it would not be wrth living and it feels like all it takes is a beuricrat's stroke of the pen to take me there. I find myself wondering if I have the courage to take that way out while I still possess the means
It takes me weeks to regain composture and equilibrium after a trigger, and lately I find myself with tears pricking in my eyes, wondering if tomorrow is the day it all goes into decline. I stay awake long past the point of exaustion beacuse it feels, if I can just stay awake, its the same day, if can keep it the same day, then I can stop anything bad happening beacse that would be marked by the tick over. Its senseless and I go tosleepany way but that faer, that irrational maladaption as much as an innately low need of sleep keeps me up.
And everywhere, in the papers, the the rhetoric, people like me are described as paracites. I am trying to be more than I am. But my tallents are thin, I can't sustain the calm the mind sttae to sustain writing. Ive started a thouand novels and finished none.
It feels like I'm on death row, waiting for the end. Not even sure what good this will do, but I registerd to get all this down, tell someone, just incase.