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I'm scared, all the time, and I don't know what to do.

Eled

I'm 33, diagnosed at 16. Aspergers but, I don't feel 'High funtioning' at all these days.

And like the title says I'm scared litterally all the time, in the midsts of any joy I have.

Every time I say good by to my best freind it almoast feels like it might be forever- Even if we plan to talk the next day.

I go to sleep in constant fear that tomorow I'll get that brown envelope calling me to a medical. The mere word 'benefit' triggers a panic attack- I havent watched the news since the ConDems took power, and I used to pride myself on having several news sorces to avoid biass.

I live with my parents still because, I can't leave the house or deal with people face to face. And for now it goes well but they're both getting older. Right now its a good symbyosis, they cover for my neurological failings, I cover for their physiological.

But that worm of fear fouls it too, they wont live for ever and I dont know what to do.

I'm studying at the Open university, but, even if I get my degree, and it often feels for all every one tells me I'm very bright that I wont, what use is a degree in Natural sciences to someone who only leaves the house 3 to 4 times a year? 

I can cope with life online, text, simple and unadorned is my favored medium of comunication. Love to read, am told I have talent as a writer, but no idea hw to take it past that and... well, all it takes is a missed payment, a broken computer, I vanish my window into the world closed for ever.

I'm better right now than many- Ive faced 2 medicals though not under the new regeme which is what scares me, and been uncontested. I have a support worker in the local council. But If I talk to her it all starts moving too fast, becomes too real, so, I can't. I have a freind I made in school who by now i smore like a brother and though he lives at the other end of the country we instant message every day. I even have a few online haunts where, under the security mask of a user name, I am one of the regs part of the furnature. But no one I could ask for help, no one in a position to help.

I'm not suicidal. Not yet. But theres a bar, a point that I know my life as I define it would not be wrth living and it feels like all it takes is a beuricrat's stroke of the pen to take me there. I find myself wondering if I have the courage to take that way out while I still possess the means 

It takes me weeks to regain composture and equilibrium after a trigger, and lately I find myself with tears pricking in my eyes, wondering if tomorrow is the day it all goes into decline. I stay awake long past the point of exaustion beacuse it feels, if I can just stay awake, its the same day, if  can keep it the same day, then I can stop anything bad happening beacse that would be marked by the tick over. Its senseless and I go tosleepany way but that faer, that irrational maladaption as much as an innately low need of sleep keeps me up.

And everywhere, in the papers, the the rhetoric, people like me are described as paracites. I am trying to be more than I am. But my tallents are thin, I can't sustain the calm the mind sttae to sustain writing. Ive started a thouand novels and finished none.

It feels like I'm on death row, waiting for the end. Not even sure what good this will do, but I registerd to get all this down, tell someone, just incase. 

  • Hi Eled, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Being gripped by worry is an awful feeling. You've mentioned you're good with text. Our helpline can be emailed on autismhelpline@nas.org.uk and they may be able to help you access some local services to help with some of the problems you've described. You can try finding services through our directory here www.autism.org.uk/directory.aspx And as Intenseworld says, CAB and MIND are great organisations who can offer you advice too. Mind's email is info@mind.org.uk Please, do continue to update us on how you're doing. Take care, Anil Community Manager

  • Eled, you have so many similarities to me, even down to the OU studies.  The only real difference is that I have reached Aspie burnout stage after a life to date, of trying to be normal, having worked etc. and crumbled in the end, through lack of support, lack of recognition, life events and too much on my plate.  I no longer feel capable of work, leaving the house is stressful and things send me easily into a panic and disaster mode.

    I know how you feel, and you aren't a parasite.  Don't give up.  Are there any Aspie social groups in your area?  The NAS website has a search facility for what's in your area and also you can Google to look as well.

    Have you thought about going to Autscape this year?  It's run by people on the spectrum and virtually all attendees are on the spectrum and those that aren't are connected in some way.  You can apparently make friends there.

    Regarding forms and benefits and medicals, you can always ask advice from the CAB and make use of advocacy where you can, such as by organisations like MIND.

    If you widen your social circle a little you won't be so reliant on your parents and your life won't feel so small.

    It's also worth checking whether there are any Aspie/autism charities in your area to offer you support.

    You aren't alone, don't give up.  You can always get support on here.

  • Hi Eled,

    Sorry to hear things feel so bad. For the most part I cannot offer any real positives, but I must have a go at convincing you about your Open University studies.

    Don't just think of a degree as progression towards a job, think of it as mental development opening up new opportunities.

    The further you can go with this the better. Even if you are seldom going to leave the house, as long as your computer runs OK you can use the skills to explore new avenues on the internet. Or you can ask people to get you access to journals and books, although academic journals are mostly on line and need payment up front for digital access, there are lots of places still holding hard copy journals.

    Do you have Google Earth?  You can go exploring with that. Couple of years ago I read Mungo Park's diaries and followed his journeys across Africa via Google Earth. The image quality isn't so good for parts of Africa but you can see what you read about.  There are other websites and video clip sources of other environments that can give you at least some wider dimension.

    The thing about learning is, if you keep at it, and open yourself to new skills, you begin to see how you can direct your own learning to keep you interested. Research, once you know how to find things out, and derive new information from old, can be absorbing, and the kind of focus you can give to it should help. 

    So see the learning as a positive step. Don't worry about using the degree for a job, use it to learn more and explore more about what interests you.

    If you are interested in astronomy and can access any kind of viewing tool, even stable binoculars, you can access star maps by computer and learn yourself arpound. Or if space exploration appeals there's a newsletter and a website for British National Space Centre.

    You can do ecology from home just studying images accessed through your computer. There are lots of good on line resources for environmental sciences.

    I hope I've given you one possible plus point. Hopefully others can come up with useful helpful advice.