Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I don’t usually post to forums much as I’m frequently mis-understood but I feel the need to seek help with my current situation…
I have 2 siblings (both a fair bit older than me,) and recently our Father passed away. Our Mum also passed away some years ago.
Last year I was given an autism diagnosis at the age of 49 which amazingly made life suddenly make more sense to me regarding my feelings, behaviours and mental. My siblings seem unable to accept this and the eldest refuses to see how her behaviour makes me anxious and upset which then causes me to withdraw from her and the situation. She has to have the last word on everything and uses my mental health to manipulate me. We are needing to work together to sort out our late Fathers estate after his passing, including his house which is to be sold and split between us. When we are all at the house to sort through things it gets loud as everyone (including spouses,) all talk over each other and the volume goes up, I can’t get a word in edgewise which leads to me feeling overwhelmed so I retreat either physically or verbally. The other week there was an issue with the gas pipe at the house and she asked me to be there for the emergency gas engineer which I did. He found a leak and capped it off saying that there was some faulty soldering that needed to be fixed. I relayed all of this to my sister who then got a gas engineer who works for them to look at it and he said that he couldn’t find a leak but that there was gas leaking from somewhere but it was within legal limits, so he reconnected the gas. I felt concerned about it being reconnected knowing there was a leak, legal limits or not, a leak is a leak and should be fixed I think. My sister didn’t even listen to my point of view and just threw facts at me about how good her engineer is. This caused me to retreat again and within a few days she was emailing me saying had she done something to upset me and that she was worried about me. I told her not to worry, I just feel like my voice isn’t heard sometimes and that part of my autism means that I retreat like this when I’m overwhelmed and that I needed a few days break from it. She then went on a rant saying how I should take over everything if I felt like that and she was only doing this because she’s concerned about me and that my voice is heard (it isn’t,) and how I was taking everything out of context and overreacting. In the end I stopped replying to her messages and withdrew to take some headspace for a week.
We had to meet up yesterday to sort out our Dads memorial so I took the chance to try to calmly explain that she shouldn’t worry about me and that I can’t help the way I retreat because it’s just my way of dealing with things. She exploded at me and wouldn’t even listen to my explanation saying that she told me that she was getting their engineer to look at it and it’s within legal limits, I said ok but I just thought that… she didn’t even let me finish trying to explain my concerns and was shouting at me at this point that I should take over doing everything and the lady in Asda had told her that I said she was bullying me. I pointed out that I hadn’t even seen that particular lady since before our Dad died and if she’s said that, she’s either outright lying (which is something I really hate, I just don’t understand why people lie,) or she misunderstood something my husband said about me trying to make my voice heard. She then dissolved into screaming that not what she had been told..blah..blah I struggling so I said “this is exactly why I don’t talk to you and feel unheard and overwhelmed” she continued shouting and ranting so I went into meltdown and walked out. Now I just feel drained and exhausted and I think I will need to cut all contact with her except anything to do with Dads house. She just seems to completely brush off the autistic side of me that gets easily overwhelmed and how persuing me with hostility results in my meltdowns and harms me. She seems to think that because I wasn’t diagnosed as a child that it’s not true and I’m making it up. I just don’t know what to do, think or even cope with it all. I’m questioning myself if it’s me causing the problems, what’s wrong with me, why doe it always end this way…. I just feel confused, angry, upset and helpless.
If anyone could offer me some advice, I would be very grateful.
Thank you and apologies if this affects or triggers anyone else.
I definitely would involve the police if threats of violence are involved
I favour a zero tolerance and zero patience approach here - with her threats, I would definitely recommend talking this over with the police as this is a situation that requires a firm response
I decided to end all contact with my bios. It was just too over whelming. I do speak to one sibling over zoom on occasion. He may, I believe he, himself, is on the spectrum. He is hyper introverted and an ingenious engineer among other traits.
It may also be, Kitty, that some of your family are also on the spectrum without wanting to deal with what they perceive as a stigma, and so in denial. Here is an opportunity for advocacy for you.
You can see them in a whole new understanding that way. They are, perhaps, frightened to discover this and ashamed. They see you owning it and they lash out, not wanting the carry that weight of self-revelation themselves, especially in this time of great shiftings in family dynamics.
Find love for them no matter what. They are also experiencing this great shift with their own traumas and indignities. All this in the middle of your possible grief and loss you may all be feeling for the departed and not getting a chance to process together because of it.
Yes I do agree with only dealing with a solicitor or better still in her case, a police officer - a Karen like her is best avoided at all costs
Besides, a gas leak is a serious health and safety issue, which has to be properly dealt with, which you correctly flagged up this issue - what if there was a serious fire or explosion and it turned out in court that she ignored your warnings, she could end up facing criminal charges?
It sounds like this person is a Karen and because of your autism diagnosis, they are automatically dismissing and invalidating everything that comes from you by reason of your autism diagnosis, going into a total Karen meltdown when you attempt to put your point of view across, because she does not want to hear anything that you have to say because of your autism diagnosis and expects you to be “seen and not heard” - some people can maipulate others into getting an autism diagnosis in order to justify and continue their bullying Karen behaviour when other methods of control and manipulation no longer work for them in thier warped and twisted viewpoints, to which I can definitely relate as a 53 years old Irish gay man from a traditional Irish Catholic background, living 22 years in the U.K.- if you have any access to other sources of help, I would use that and get them to talk to this person, perhaps even involving the police if needs be - on balance, this person is best avoided as much as possible, if at all possible - a gas leak is a health and safety issue and must be reported to the proper authorities for legal compliance - she sounds like the kind of person who herself has mental health issues and regarding the gas leak, a (proper) gas engineer will have to come to that house, accompanied by police officers to ensure compliance with the law, an issue which you correctly flagged up and which any judge in any court of law would certainly agree with your testimony regarding due diligence
Thanks Roy and I’m sorry to hear that you went through a similar situation.
Her engineer did issue some paperwork to say he had inspected it etc, but (and I know I’m no expert,) I think it would have been best to let the emergency gas people that found the leak in the first place, come out to it again to fix the leak they found just to put our minds at ease. She’s very aggressive though and completely unwilling to listen to my concerns, just saying that her plumber is gas safe registered and has done work for the police etc etc… she can’t understand that I see it as black and white… it’s either leaking or it’s not so if her guy agreed there was even a teeny weeny leak, it’s still a leak and should be fixed. She just gets angry and aggressive because she can’t see that so I think I will cut ties with her, if nothing else to protect my mental health.
There’s absolutely no way that she would listen to my husband as she’s been aggressive when he has tried to protect me in the past. My brother is the only one who could possibly mediate between us, but he seems to be just agreeing with whatever she says so that she doesn’t turn on him too. She is a very controlling person so I think I will just back away from it and hope that the probate and house are finished and sold very soon so that I can cut ties completely with her.
Thank you for your understanding and take care.
Joe, I totally understand that. I have been trying to back off and let her sort things out her way when my opinions differ from hers because I can’t cope with conflict either but she insists on pursuing me and and won’t let me do that. She just wants me to say “oh yes how silly of me, of course you’re absolutely right.” But I can’t lie like that when it’s not in my nature (fibs are a huge bugbear for me.) If she would just let me back away without trying to force me to agree with her, things would never have gotten so bad. I do think now though that there will be no contact between us at all once my Dads estate is sorted out because it has occurred to me now that she is a big trigger for me and also very bad for my mental health.
Hi Kitty,
I went through a very similar situation, I have a brother and sister who don’t really accept autism. first rule was spouses don’t get a say in anything. I do wonder if your sister is autistic. I have recently sold my house, the buyers want guarantees for everything. I would get the gas engineer to put into writing that he has inspected it and signed it off. I would have thought the legal limit for a leak is zero.
My advice is just get the house cleared, you then only talk through the agent or solicitor. My solicitor was brilliant, I told her I’m autistic and she took over at times when things got too much. I’m very similar, I don’t often have meltdowns, I shutdown and isolate.
Too be honest after the sale I would cut contact, autism is hard enough to navigate, people being abusive is not acceptable. If spouses are involved, could your husband advocate for you? I’m sorry I can’t offer more practical advice.
I recognise a lot in your post. I was diagnosed early last year at 51 and have 3 older siblings. We've had limited conversations about my diagnosis. I know when my dad goes it will be extremely difficult and I also think that once all is settled, contact will be even more limited. I'm pretty much resigned to letting them organise most things as I think otherwise there will just be conflict which I'm not very good at dealing with.
Whilst it's sort of sad, I also now look at this like these are my family and I can't change them. I'm lucky in that I have support from friends and my husband, I hope there is someone there for you.
My other half often says to me that you can't control people, places and things, so your sister sounds really stressed as well and you can't control how she thinks or reacts any more than she can you. If it were me, I think I'd just let her get on with it and try to look after yourself as best you can.
Take care.