• Replies 3 replies
  • Subscribers 79 subscribers
  • Views 1499 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Relationship problems - adult ASD

Tigercub

Hi - would really like some advice please. I'm having a miserable day. I'm 44 & have recently had an assessment for ASD after trying to ignore the problem for many years. My partner is NT, very supportive and long-suffering but when I have meltdowns (which are getting more frequent & always at home, so he cops for all the flak) like I did today, we end up not speaking for a few days.

I know I'm over-dependent on him and that he feels really hurt and distressed when I act like this. I'm trying to use mindfulness techniques to get in touch and deal with my feelings but not surprisingly am finding this a challenge. He's very sensitive to my body language and speech tone.

My question is, can anyone confirm that this is not just ASD, that my personality and learnt behaviour is behind some of this? I can understand that my social skills are limited, as I have no friends separate to my life with him, but I don't want to use my ASD as a cop-out for all my difficulties. Also, can anyone offer any tips on making an apology that is genuine, because I can't distinguish when it's not authentic but he can.

Sorry if this is a bit rambling - I just need to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading. Any comments appreciated.

Parents

  • Hi Tigercub

    One thing you have to understand about not being diagnosed until your are an adult is that all these years you have been putting on a mask of NT behaviour. This takes an immense amount of mental energy for those with autism and the result is a sort of mental collapse, or exhaustion.

    What you have to do, I think, is accept your true nature, and try to shed the mask that you are wearing all the time. This is very very difficult for those who have been acting NT for years. Are you yourself when you are alone? How could you be more like that with other people? It is often just the strain of acting NT that is causing the problems.

    There are videos on You Tube where Tony Attwood talks about the Aspergian mask, and the importance of shedding it if the individual is to avoid mental collapse.

    As for being genuine in saying sorry. If you are genuinely sorry say so, and explain that dropping the mask may mean your behaviour is different from an NT when they are saying sorry. People with autism can appear to act very differently than NTs.

    Hope this is of some help.

Reply

  • Hi Tigercub

    One thing you have to understand about not being diagnosed until your are an adult is that all these years you have been putting on a mask of NT behaviour. This takes an immense amount of mental energy for those with autism and the result is a sort of mental collapse, or exhaustion.

    What you have to do, I think, is accept your true nature, and try to shed the mask that you are wearing all the time. This is very very difficult for those who have been acting NT for years. Are you yourself when you are alone? How could you be more like that with other people? It is often just the strain of acting NT that is causing the problems.

    There are videos on You Tube where Tony Attwood talks about the Aspergian mask, and the importance of shedding it if the individual is to avoid mental collapse.

    As for being genuine in saying sorry. If you are genuinely sorry say so, and explain that dropping the mask may mean your behaviour is different from an NT when they are saying sorry. People with autism can appear to act very differently than NTs.

    Hope this is of some help.

Children
No Data