Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I am fed up of my well not really boyfriend yet behaviour it is making me really ill mentally and I can’t take it anymore. Tomorrow I am going to speak to him about everything I do believe we can resolve some of the issues. He is a good guy we both have autism one thing i am definitely going to speak to him about is the fact I ring him and he rejects the call and messages me saying can’t talk have company over or I’m over my mates but when I was over his on Thursday his mate rang him and he answered and was having a full blown conversation with him whilst I was there and that really annoyed me. When I call and he has company over he rejects the call but when is mate calls him when I’m there he answers. I am really anxious about everything I really hope I can get him to listen to me and we sort things out. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the situation I am in? He is a good guy and he cares about me a lot and I sometimes think he doesn’t realise when his behaviour is inappropriate.
These kind of inconsistencies can create anxiety. On one hand, he might have an idea about polite behaviour when not at home while assuming you as familiar and not someone he has to pretend around or make a conscious (and therefore) exhausting effort to be around. For instance, our parents might be on the phone around each other. They're no longer dating, just doing life together.
Or yes, he could be inconsiderate toward how this makes you feel if you have limited time together and are still getting to know each other.
Does he ask if you mind if he takes the call? This is usually respectful - and a healthy lasting relationship is built first and foremost on Respect.
While having difficult conversations can be overwhelming, to make it more productive, try to help him understand how a thing 'impacts me' by its action/response, but also remember to be responsible for your own response. For instance, "when you pick up a phone call while I'm around, I feel suddenly disregarded and unimportant because you don't do this with your friends. I end up with anxiety and I don't enjoy feeling disrespected - is this your intention?" Notice instead of saying you make me... I simply show how I'm experiencing a thing. This can be helpful to open the conversation up.
It's also good to present options moving forward so things aren't nebulous. "You're welcome to just pick up the phone and have a conversation, but I'll probably leave so I'm not waiting about doing nothing" And then follow through with it. If you've taken time out of your schedule, it is inconsiderate to not acknowledge this. He may not realise this. You could also start making advance plans to see each other and expect him to work around when you have time. Limit your availability and then he might simply not pick up to be more mindful of the time you do have together.