Dating when on the spectrum?

I don't know, my position is not one of looking, but rather that the opportunity to date is there, but I'm not wanting to. My brain apparently has no option but to catastrophise all future relationship possibilities. More than anything the idea of compromising my space and solitude.

Just can't.

My autistic brother got married quite young and has several children. Surprisingly. All very surprising. But in his case, he worked with someone who set their sights on him and didn't give up.

That might happen to some of us, hardly an enactable strategy though! 

Ah Dogtooth, I think that may be a common problem, not knowing when someone is interested. 

You've reminded me of a past incident with a friend.

Pleased to hear things worked out well for you!

After spending years trying to find love it came when i gave up. 

I was just in the right place at the right time and met my wife. I wasnt looking or trying anymore. It helped that i was wearing a He Man T Shirt. She said that was the clincher and she just started talking to me. 

We spoke on the phone for weeks before i realised she was attracted to me. I just thought she was a nice person. She always laughs at that now and says i have no idea when someone is flirting, and i also have no clue how to flirt!!!!

Yes. I think its about both wanting the same things from a relationship. For me that is seeing someone once or twice per week. No pressures and no high expectations. Not afraid to be my true self. Someone on the spectrum. We understand each other. Acceptance. 

How to go about getting a meaninful relationship? Possibly by chance. Start talking to people. Being open fir example , im autistic, oh really, so am i. We dont know until we start talking x

It's definitely not easy, but I do believe there is someone out there for everyone. After a toxic uni relationship it took me 3 years to find my partner now, which involved a LOT of dates. It's hard to meet people nowadays and I had to rely on dating apps, which takes a lot of trial and error. Also as a female, a lot of masking until I felt comfortable after a few dates. I met my partner almost 3 years ago on Tinder and now we are married. :-) My best advice would be to enjoy meeting new people through dates (even if they dont work out), and don't put too much pressure on yourself. When you know the person is right, you just know, because you will click straight away (at least I did with my husband!) My husband is definitely on the spectrum somewhere as he has special interests in classic Land Rovers and Star Wars! 

As an older gay man, I would not feel comfortable on the gay dating game at all, either outside of the gay scene, including among shared interests and in LGBT “nonprofit” spaces and certainly not online, including on websites or on (highly dangerous) gay “dating” apps - aside from the cheap and tacky gay “hookup” culture (that some still think that having a “hookup” or “one night stand” is the way to finding friendships/partners) the levels of prejudice and discrimination that I’ve encountered in LGBT spaces and on the gay scene/gay pride events is just too much long before my diagnosis and is perhaps even worse now 

Showing your age Sperg - I thought that the go to was rohypnol these days.

Disclainer: In no way do I condone the use of such tactics

It is until the endorphins wear off(!) and you revert back to feeling your normal Aspie disgruntled self, but now you have to contend with a partner, and they have to contend with you...

BUT it is a different PITA to living on your own, so if you find that you CAN with a LOT of hard work keep it going, after the endorphins wear off, you might find like I did that it's still preferable to living on ones own.   

I still wish I had that gift of doing the little & big things that make people happy by intent, and not accidentally "getting it right for a change" as seems to be the case.

It  would be nice to date and share life with a special someome!

Bell curve? I say, ding dong!

always the best guaranteed option for the win

Cloroform and duct tape for the win?

Dont try too hard, love came to me when I was not looking, it started through a lovely friendship. Now I have a really nice boyfriend. Just take time for yourself and do things you like to do, join a few things if you can maybe something to do with a hobby. It is good if you can find someone through a shared interest as having some things in common is great. 

this has never felt so apt.

There is the Autistic Empathy app which has been mentioned on here a few times. It is UK based, so may be a better option than Hiki. I don't have an account so I've no idea how active it is.

https://www.actionforneurodiversity.org/autistic-empathy-app/

The most recent figures on autistic IQ I have come across were suggesting: 40% with above average intelligence (IQ > 115) , 21.8% with an average intelligence (IQ between 85 and 115) and 38.2% below average intelligence (i.e., IQ < 85). This gives a majority of autistics with average and above average intelligence (62% approx.). It does suggest that, compared with neurotypicals - who show a normal bell curve of intelligence distribution - autistics tend to show a curve that has two peaks, at below and above average intelligence, with a trough around the average (neurotypical average). See: a 2022 paper here, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/.../

I think you have a point. Normal dating apps are all about trying to appear cool and attractive (and very very fake) and from what I’ve read they don’t work well at all for most people, not just NDs.

An unashamedly nerdy dating service that encourages people to be authentic should be so much more effective.

Part of the problem is low IQ autistic people outnumber normal-high IQ autistic people about 3 to 2. My impresion is most normal-high IQ people care a lot more about dating someone they find interlectually stimulating than dating someone who can relate to their autistic strugels. I have to be honest I count myself among them. To draw in the autistic people who would formerly have been called asspies what you really need are comon interest based dating services. Dating for anime fans, dating for harry potter fans, etc. Dating broken down by each nerdy clique.

The main route to success, at least for me, was deciding to do two things: to be brave and approach people I was attracted to, difficult as that is, and allow myself to be emotionally available and vulnerable, difficult as that also is.

A said:

Maybe there’s an opportunity for someone to build a UK focussed service.

Absolutely! There’s definitely a market for it.