Dating when on the spectrum?

I don't know, my position is not one of looking, but rather that the opportunity to date is there, but I'm not wanting to. My brain apparently has no option but to catastrophise all future relationship possibilities. More than anything the idea of compromising my space and solitude.

Just can't.

My autistic brother got married quite young and has several children. Surprisingly. All very surprising. But in his case, he worked with someone who set their sights on him and didn't give up.

That might happen to some of us, hardly an enactable strategy though! 

Ah Dogtooth, I think that may be a common problem, not knowing when someone is interested. 

You've reminded me of a past incident with a friend.

Pleased to hear things worked out well for you!

After spending years trying to find love it came when i gave up. 

I was just in the right place at the right time and met my wife. I wasnt looking or trying anymore. It helped that i was wearing a He Man T Shirt. She said that was the clincher and she just started talking to me. 

We spoke on the phone for weeks before i realised she was attracted to me. I just thought she was a nice person. She always laughs at that now and says i have no idea when someone is flirting, and i also have no clue how to flirt!!!!

Yes. I think its about both wanting the same things from a relationship. For me that is seeing someone once or twice per week. No pressures and no high expectations. Not afraid to be my true self. Someone on the spectrum. We understand each other. Acceptance. 

How to go about getting a meaninful relationship? Possibly by chance. Start talking to people. Being open fir example , im autistic, oh really, so am i. We dont know until we start talking x

It's definitely not easy, but I do believe there is someone out there for everyone. After a toxic uni relationship it took me 3 years to find my partner now, which involved a LOT of dates. It's hard to meet people nowadays and I had to rely on dating apps, which takes a lot of trial and error. Also as a female, a lot of masking until I felt comfortable after a few dates. I met my partner almost 3 years ago on Tinder and now we are married. :-) My best advice would be to enjoy meeting new people through dates (even if they dont work out), and don't put too much pressure on yourself. When you know the person is right, you just know, because you will click straight away (at least I did with my husband!) My husband is definitely on the spectrum somewhere as he has special interests in classic Land Rovers and Star Wars! 

As an older gay man, I would not feel comfortable on the gay dating game at all, either outside of the gay scene, including among shared interests and in LGBT “nonprofit” spaces and certainly not online, including on websites or on (highly dangerous) gay “dating” apps - aside from the cheap and tacky gay “hookup” culture (that some still think that having a “hookup” or “one night stand” is the way to finding friendships/partners) the levels of prejudice and discrimination that I’ve encountered in LGBT spaces and on the gay scene/gay pride events is just too much long before my diagnosis and is perhaps even worse now 

Showing your age Sperg - I thought that the go to was rohypnol these days.

Disclainer: In no way do I condone the use of such tactics

It is until the endorphins wear off(!) and you revert back to feeling your normal Aspie disgruntled self, but now you have to contend with a partner, and they have to contend with you...

BUT it is a different PITA to living on your own, so if you find that you CAN with a LOT of hard work keep it going, after the endorphins wear off, you might find like I did that it's still preferable to living on ones own.   

I still wish I had that gift of doing the little & big things that make people happy by intent, and not accidentally "getting it right for a change" as seems to be the case.

It  would be nice to date and share life with a special someome!

My two cents. There are billions of unique people out there and you can't control their actions, but that is ok. What you can do is control your actions. Worrying, about other people and obsessing over what other people are doing aren't really helpful to you. Dating isn't easy for NT's because they might be doing it wrong, and a thousand other variables, that end up with them being single, not necessarily about them being NT. Most of my advice comes from reading and i haven't put any of it into place so take it with a grain of salt. I think the most important thing is to focus on self improvement, think of it like you are trying to join two ships at sea, it is much easier to do this when the sea is calm compared to when their is a storm, and you have control over your own personal storm. The main things to focus on are openness and curiosity. Managing the thoughts going on inside your head, right thoughts lead to right actions, and wrong thoughts lead to wrong actions. If you cultivate inside yourself positive thoughts then you are more likely to be positive, but if you get stuck in a pit of despair and don't have ways of dealing with that, then it is going to be much harder to meet a partner. Dating isn't just about you, it is also about the other person. It is about finding someone willing to put up with your weaknesses, and loving your strengths, not trying to change you into something better but are happy with the way you are right now. I am currently reading the art of living by epictetus which is like a thousand year old self help manual, but I think the ideas in it are timeless. Openness and curiosity, are important because you have got to be interested in learning about the other person, they are not just a status symbol but someone you enjoy spending time around, you also shouldn't hide who you are as that will just lead to your eventual mental decline. There are probably lots of evidenced based approaches, you could do to make yourself happier like exercise. Fundamentally, I think it starts with change, if you do the same things you get the same results, so you need to look back and see what you enjoyed and what you didn't, figure out where you mistakes were then work on improving them. The purpose of dating isn't to get a partner, but to find someone you enjoy spending time around, who allows you to shine at your brightest and you them.

TLDR: Focus on self improvement, some resources, the art of living by epictetus, https://80000hours.org/career-guide/how-to-be-successful/.

Bell curve? I say, ding dong!

always the best guaranteed option for the win

There are a fair few threads like this on NAS, one bloke recently came across as quite wildly desperate to get into a relationship. Which isn't a good state of mind, it'll freak people out if you're that intense.

I've not been in a relationship since 2008, but if I wanted to I'd try something like meetup.com. Or volunteer at some charities - anything that gets you meeting people.

Register on that and attend some events. I wouldn't recommend dating apps, unless you look like Brad Pitt nothing will happen. They're very superficial. You're better off spending time with people at group events and if something happens naturally, brilliant. Just don't try and force things, it's so awkward. 

Cloroform and duct tape for the win?

Dont try too hard, love came to me when I was not looking, it started through a lovely friendship. Now I have a really nice boyfriend. Just take time for yourself and do things you like to do, join a few things if you can maybe something to do with a hobby. It is good if you can find someone through a shared interest as having some things in common is great. 

this has never felt so apt.

There is the Autistic Empathy app which has been mentioned on here a few times. It is UK based, so may be a better option than Hiki. I don't have an account so I've no idea how active it is.

https://www.actionforneurodiversity.org/autistic-empathy-app/

The most recent figures on autistic IQ I have come across were suggesting: 40% with above average intelligence (IQ > 115) , 21.8% with an average intelligence (IQ between 85 and 115) and 38.2% below average intelligence (i.e., IQ < 85). This gives a majority of autistics with average and above average intelligence (62% approx.). It does suggest that, compared with neurotypicals - who show a normal bell curve of intelligence distribution - autistics tend to show a curve that has two peaks, at below and above average intelligence, with a trough around the average (neurotypical average). See: a 2022 paper here, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/.../

I think you have a point. Normal dating apps are all about trying to appear cool and attractive (and very very fake) and from what I’ve read they don’t work well at all for most people, not just NDs.

An unashamedly nerdy dating service that encourages people to be authentic should be so much more effective.

Part of the problem is low IQ autistic people outnumber normal-high IQ autistic people about 3 to 2. My impresion is most normal-high IQ people care a lot more about dating someone they find interlectually stimulating than dating someone who can relate to their autistic strugels. I have to be honest I count myself among them. To draw in the autistic people who would formerly have been called asspies what you really need are comon interest based dating services. Dating for anime fans, dating for harry potter fans, etc. Dating broken down by each nerdy clique.