I hate this life and yes I know you don't care

I Sperg said:

Making your own life better is not a thing you TRY to do, it's a thing that you choose to do, whatever it takes. 

Right on!

If I wanted to do myself in, who can stop me?

I've had the frighteneing experience of telling a normie (I thought) "friend" how effing depressed I am, and in the same conversation he tells me the most effective and painless way to do myself in!

The subsequent events are another story entirely, and a serious "life learning" experience for me.

Suffice to tell the readers (if I have any) I amanged by luck and personal effort to pull myself together somewhat and choose a better life rather than an ignominious death.

I understand that the O/P has also Considered his own options since writing this post, and also chosen to make himself a somewhat better life.

Making your own life better is not a thing you TRY to do, it's a thing that you choose to do, whatever it takes. 

Roswell turned out to be genuinely looking for change, in a later post he told us that he'd made some changes and was enjoying the results. 

Now, we all know enough about life not to expect him to sail off into the sunset all problems cured, but he has got himself to a position that the next time the blues come, he can remember when he made things "not so crap", all he has to do is rest and gather his energy, and he can have it all again. And again. 

Depression is often described as a sort of pit, and the metaphor works very well for me.

I feel actual fear when I'm really miserable just like I am sliding down the side of a pit. Now the first thing that needs to be done is to stop the slide. I generally achieve that by sleeping or otherwise resting a lot. Next there is now the fact that Ive slid halfway into a pit of misery to contend with!

I've learned that trying to climb striaght up can lead to further slippage BUT moving sideways (Psychologically speaking, accepting my present position, and seeing what I can get out of it, rather than simply yearning for things to get better) is more doable, and I can at least keep moving even if it isn't immediately upwards. KInda like getting your car out of a muddy sloping field (Glastonbury). You drive sideways and get a feel for the terrain then curve upwards.

BUT. That's a linear slope, depression is more of a cone with ignominious death at the bottom and all the intersting stuff wating for you to figure out how to get to it. You need to go round in circles to gradually improve your position. 

The only sad bit for me as I keep screwing my own self out of the pit is seeing people slide past me out of control failing away and screaming. Some times I shout back, teh equivalent of "relax and spead yourslef out" until you stop sliding. Occasionally people listen.

sadly not legally posible in the uk. The cloest thing would be to live with a relative for a year and then apply to the court for this relative to become your legal gardian.

One word "emancipation".

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you’re going through a really tough time, and I want you to know that there are people who care about you and want to help - as you've seen in this thread. 

Keep the faith. Things do get better, not always quickly, but things will improve.

If you ever need to chat about anything feel free to PM me.

Sending positive vibes your way.

I know how you feel, it sucks. We should be allowed euthanasia.

Take each day as it comes. Life is hard, enjoy the good days and keep fighting through the bad. A good day will come again, even if it doesn't feel like it will.

Thinking of you mate.

I'm sorry you feel like that.

It's not great to hear, but I hear you, and let's not interact then.

That's one of the most respectable posts I've ever read here, Roswell. 

NO-ONE ever seems to apologise these days, no matter how out of order they were.

Roswell said:

If people can't see it

Yeah, we don't have full access to what's going on in your life. It's just a forum where we can offer some support, little else, everything else has to come down to you. But you keep spinning people's responses into a "woe is me" agenda. On previous threads you've said you're going to drink yourself into the grave, so why are people going to separate alcohol from this?

Also, you keep posting these threads on the forum, and then not responding to people, or complaining about people's responses - when you're withholding information. 

A solution has to come from you Roswell. See your GP. Think clearly about how to resolve the situation. Get some therapy.

This is a terrible place to come to for advice.Autistic people aren't the best at advice as they have the same limited understanding of the social world that you do.  I'd come here for solace, but not for advice.

Completely disagree, we can really support each other really well and rather intuitively at times. Please don’t perpetuate myths about our autistic community.

 I completely disagree with your perspective and assumption that we have a ‘limited understanding ‘ of the social world, instead we have a different understanding of the social world which is really useful when supporting our neurokin to understand themselves and how they relate to others.

I would like to apologise for saying people don't care. There's no way I can know that's true and I'm sure some of you do. I'm sorry.

I appreciate people's input and replies and it's nice to interact with you all but I think most of you misunderstand the situation. My problems are not rooted in alcohol, they're rooted in trauma (mostly from childhood). severe mental illness and I suppose Autism.

If I struggle to communicate with my parents who love me, am terrified of my neighbours drunk or sober, even though they're respectable middle class people, do you not see the problem is much more complex than alcohol?

But there's no point arguing. If people can't see it, we will just have to agree to disagree.

The advice you gave Roswell essentially mounted to telling him to man up.  I'm not sure he'd get that kind of advice from a trained Psychotherapist would he?  I wonder why not?  Perhaps they'd see it as very damaging.   Now, I don't doubt for a second that you think you know more than they do. Alas, I am not interested in hearing it. 

Engaging with you is a waste of time and a drain on my energy.

I care......I feel the same 

It's fairly clear from many previous replies, that we don't all have the same limited understandings. 

Isn't it a spectrum?

This is a terrible place to come to for advice.Autistic people aren't the best at advice as they have the same limited understanding of the social world that you do.  I'd come here for solace, but not for advice.

Being in an office never really bothered me before. I could keep myself to myself or interacrt with colleagues without too much stress.
The big thing for me now as a WFH'er is not having to get up early, get ready, endure the nightmare traffic (1.5 hours each way), being at home and able to start my evening as soon as I shutdown the laptop. Plus the considerable saving in fuel.

If you are open with your employer about your ASD you can have a conversation around reasonable adjustments. For me the main adjustment was to reduce my hours from 37.5 to 30 per week. The 1.5 hours diffrence per day makes a massive difference for me (I also struggle with severe fatigue).
In fact, my employer would probably be ok if I wanted to reduce by another hour per day, but 6 hours is working well for me at the moment.
The downside is that my salary has been adjusted inline with my reduced hours. 

People do care I get that you don’t see it right now I sometimes feel like it but I know deep down that people do care about me and I think you do as well.