Published on 12, July, 2020
This has the potentail to turn into a wall of rubbish so sorry in advance.Im 40, soon to be 41.Around 2 years ago I became aware I really didnt act in the world or see the world in the same way as others did.I guessed I might be autistic, the more "self aware" I became. I read about the NHS 10 questions GP uses to decide on a autistic mental health referal. Its 6 out of 10 to get a referal, I got 9.I heard on the TV about the 50 questions for autistic adults from Oxford Uni, that can help diagnose. Over 30 and you have strong autistic traits. I get 33.So I spoke to GP, I explained things like how my emotions dont go very high or very low, I kind of float along in a grey, thats how I describe it. I want to feel more, but don't seem to register it.Things like xmas and birthdays I always refer to them as just another day because that bang, the pop of excitment I know I should have had as a kid on the day just neve came, just grey, knowing I should feel more, but somehow did not.He sent off a referal but it got refused, no services available locally for adults that need a diagnosis if they are "functioning". I was told I would have to go private.SorryEnd of conversation......So now im trying to tell my employer that I might be, but in delicate ways so it doesnt sound like im trying to be differant or get out of work or being lazy.I've tried to explain to the few friends I have but all of their responses where "your not autistic, you cant be, nothing wrong with you".... because they cant see inside my head. This has been the case for the last while and now im just siting here thinking, is this real, im a wrong, do other "normal" people feel like this and im just like everyone else. The root cause of this "realisation" is that I started properly working when I was 17, 9-5 is all ive know really. Ive alwasy been busy, risen through the ranks, done all sorts, intrested in so many things, good at lots, always creating, finding soltutions and busy busy busy. Always looking for logiical efficent ways of working, joining the dots. Working independantly.I would be happy in a room full of people, as long as I was in the corner, away from them all, noise in the background, but dont be near me. I always work best alone, have no trust in others.Now after 23 years, I find my self working at home most of the time, alone, with little to do, not busy, not rising through the ranks, not working on anythign thats keeping my brain busy. my brains eating its self, trying to think logically around any challenge I can get my hands on... which is where I think the "awaking" started, being more aware of "me" as I get more frustrated.When I do have to work in an office, i find have this social energy which is almost bursting for a few minutes, then its gone and I want everyone to just keep away again and I want to isolate my self.Another thing, road sign posts or takeaway menus above the counter, meaningless, random images of things I cant process... unless ive processed everything else around me, the sounds, the smells, where are people at, what are they doing. Its just blurred nonsense until ive done that, then things come into focus.It makes driving new places a nightmare, or going out for food with very understanding other half..... and starting to ramble so i'll end here.
Hi user90686,
You’re definitely real! I’m currently going through a very similar process now and a lot of what you have explained seems to resonate with myself, I hope something that I write helps in anyway possible.
NAS90686 said:Im 40, soon to be 41.Around 2 years ago I became aware I really didnt act in the world or see the world in the same way as others did.I guessed I might be autistic, the more "self aware" I became. I read about the NHS 10 questions GP uses to decide on a autistic mental health referal. Its 6 out of 10 to get a referal, I got 9.I heard on the TV about the 50 questions for autistic adults from Oxford Uni, that can help diagnose. Over 30 and you have strong autistic traits. I get 33.So I spoke to GP, I explained things like how my emotions dont go very high or very low, I kind of float along in a grey, thats how I describe it. I want to feel more, but don't seem to register it.Things like xmas and birthdays I always refer to them as just another day because that bang, the pop of excitment I know I should have had as a kid on the day just neve came, just grey, knowing I should feel more, but somehow did not.He sent off a referal but it got refused, no services available locally for adults that need a diagnosis if they are "functioning". I was told I would have to go private.SorryEnd of conversation......
I have also done extensive research for the past 2 years, originally going in to enquire about an ADHD assessment and coming out of the appointment on the ASD waiting list. I believe the more self aware we become the more subtleties we notice, that we may have internalized or just assumed was an everyday occurrence for most people. This self awareness tends to create a lot of confusion in ourselves as we then start to think “am I faking it?” Or “am I just more self aware” You know your brain better than anybody, so If you feel different there’s obviously some reasoning behind it.
I can only speak for myself but the first step that’s really helped me in this process is self acceptance. I had my first therapy session last week after more burnout/anxiety, at first it felt like a huge weight had been lifted of my shoulders but then 1/2 days later it knocked me for six. I cried which I’ve only done 3 times in the span of 16 years (with the other 2 being because I felt different), my head just couldn’t process any information after a weeks worth of reflection I think this was grief from speaking about past experiences.
Since then I’ve accepted wether it’s Anxiety/ADHD/Autism I’ve got one which has really helped me to set boundaries instead of just saying yes to things when I don’t feel up to it.
A lot of the work stuff you’ve also mentioned Is relatable but I didn’t want to waffle on too much, if you want to speak further just let me know.