Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I am 37 years of age. I was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. It affects my verbal communication such that I find it difficult to initiate conversation and frequently don't know how to respond when people initiate conversation with me.
I did have a girlfriend a few months ago but we split up due to my inability to initiate conversation with her. She felt I didn't make an effort to talk to her and it was always up to her to initiate conversation. We had multiple arguments on this subject until she decided she has had enough. I did tell her on multiple occasions I am autistic but didn't really help.
Having special interests really didn't do me any favors as I would concentrate on whatever i was doing at the time and ignore her messages. I had set a specific ringtone to make myself answer her messages. 10 times out of 10 I didn't have anything to say other than what I was doing. I think it made it difficult for her to continue the conversation because she knows nothing about my hobbies.
I feel stuck and hopeless.
Autism is not shyness. No doubt you may have been told throughout your life that your social difficulties were due to shyness. However that wasn't true, as your recent autism diagnosis confirms.
The autistic brain is wired differently and processes social interactions in a different way to non autistics. Autists tend to be highly monotropic and motivated by our interests. Therefore that is naturally what we want to talk about if we want to talk at all (autists can prefer not to communicate verbally). There is nothing wrong with that and it is not something you need to overcome. It is who you are.
As a 'high functioning' autistic person it is possible to use intellect to learn some appropriate social responses in social situations. Note some members of the autistic community find the use of functioning labels offensive and unhelpful. They are not and never were an official diagnosis.
You could learn some appropriate small talk and script responses in advance, so that you can think of something to say. That is known as masking and is what many autistic people do to function in society. However it is exhausting, bad for mental health and ultimately pointless. The other person will likely sense that you aren't being your true self.
I think your ex girlfriend was wrong to put the blame on you and showed a complete lack of understanding of what it means to be autistic. You would be much better off finding someone who shares your interests or at least understands how important they are to you.
Be yourself. If you can't think of anything to say then it is fine to just not say anything.