Published on 12, July, 2020
I have ordered something online. Something I really want, a special treat for having survived a really long bad period. It's a one off, saved for, and I really had to be encouraged by my counselor to do this one nice thing for myself.
It was due yesterday 11-12. 6pm the app says "sorry we missed you". I have a meltdown because I'm my head it's my fault, they missed me therefore I can't have been listening properly. It's rescheduled for today
Due today 2-3pm. Same thing happens.
Now rescheduled for Monday.
I have been in waiting mode for 2 days. It's hard to do anything else at all. Yesterday I didn't eat because I was so eager to get it, restless from waiting, jumping every time the dog barked (and she barks at everything) and then too dysregulated after the failed delivery.
Today I sat in silence on the sofa waiting. No sleep last night so unable to find things to occupy myself today. Watched the delivery app. I put a sign on the door saying "I am here, make the dog bark and I'll know you're there" . I paced. I paced a lot. 5:45 I'm next on the list. Ping. "We're sorry we missed you" app shows him exiting the village.
Boom. Meltdown. I don't deserve nice things. This is punishment for wasting money. Horrible thoughts about my failings. Clearly I did something wrong.
Mate came round and dealt with the deliver company but they'll only retry on Monday, and only once more. I can't afford to lose the money I spent on this so that's causing more stress. I swear they have not been here. My dog reacts to anyone outside, the repair man this morning didn't even get to knock and she was going nuts.
Now I'm stuck in a cycle of waiting. I had planned to use the thing this weekend. Now i have no plan for the weekend, I'm tired, I hurt myself in meltdown, and I'm ashamed that someone else had to sort out the delivery company on my behalf. I'm also stuck on the "why wasn't it delivered" I need answers and I can't seem to let it go
It's so frustrating when that happens but it's definitely not your fault. Please try and banish those thoughts of failings or it being a punishment.
Chances are the delivery driver didn't even get anywhere near your door, let alone knock. They may have run out of time, couldn't find your house or just couldn't be bothered. Who knows. The only way to stop this is to keep complaining but the delivery companies don't make that easy. Last time I tried to complain to Evri their chatbot just sent me round in circles. Keep complaining to the retailer, as it's their responsibility to get the parcel to you.
I can totally understand why it would trigger a meltdown as I've had that happen. When I'm expecting a delivery I'm always on edge and even more hyperalert to the slightest noise. There's no need as I hear everything anyway and usually one of my neighbours dogs will alert me long before the delivery arrives at my door. I end up pacing round the house, not able to focus, not wanting to start anything because I know I'll be interrupted. I hate it when the delivery is scheduled for later in the day or if I'm not given a time at all. That's the whole day written off. Then if the delivery fails you know you have to go through it all again another day
Max has left the platform (them/they) said:I'm also stuck on the "why wasn't it delivered" I need answers and I can't seem to let it go
I get like that too. I think it's partly autistic inertia. It's an unresolved problem, an unfinished task and I can't move on to something else while my brain is 'stuck' on that thing.