Published on 12, July, 2020
I have ordered something online. Something I really want, a special treat for having survived a really long bad period. It's a one off, saved for, and I really had to be encouraged by my counselor to do this one nice thing for myself.
It was due yesterday 11-12. 6pm the app says "sorry we missed you". I have a meltdown because I'm my head it's my fault, they missed me therefore I can't have been listening properly. It's rescheduled for today
Due today 2-3pm. Same thing happens.
Now rescheduled for Monday.
I have been in waiting mode for 2 days. It's hard to do anything else at all. Yesterday I didn't eat because I was so eager to get it, restless from waiting, jumping every time the dog barked (and she barks at everything) and then too dysregulated after the failed delivery.
Today I sat in silence on the sofa waiting. No sleep last night so unable to find things to occupy myself today. Watched the delivery app. I put a sign on the door saying "I am here, make the dog bark and I'll know you're there" . I paced. I paced a lot. 5:45 I'm next on the list. Ping. "We're sorry we missed you" app shows him exiting the village.
Boom. Meltdown. I don't deserve nice things. This is punishment for wasting money. Horrible thoughts about my failings. Clearly I did something wrong.
Mate came round and dealt with the deliver company but they'll only retry on Monday, and only once more. I can't afford to lose the money I spent on this so that's causing more stress. I swear they have not been here. My dog reacts to anyone outside, the repair man this morning didn't even get to knock and she was going nuts.
Now I'm stuck in a cycle of waiting. I had planned to use the thing this weekend. Now i have no plan for the weekend, I'm tired, I hurt myself in meltdown, and I'm ashamed that someone else had to sort out the delivery company on my behalf. I'm also stuck on the "why wasn't it delivered" I need answers and I can't seem to let it go
I find deliveries a horrifying and stressful thing to have to deal with. There's so much involved and so much to process...making sure I'm available, having to potentially talk to the delivery person, opening the door and OC whether or not they will actually turn up. One of my sisters has moved out about 2 years ago and earlier in the year on a Saturday I went over her house because she had to go out, she had this work thing, but she was expecting a parcel so I said I'd wait for it... And I waited...and waited and despite them assuring her it would come that morning by lunch it still hadn't arrived. And then just after 2 the doorbell rang and I answered it, ready to sign for it and talk if I had to and it wasn't the delivery it was Jehovah's witnesses. Lolol. I spent what felt like forever just standing there looking at everything but them and not really listening just wanting them to leave me alone...awful experience lol. It wasn't a religious thing for me it's just I wanted this delivery to come and I really hate having to deal with people because it makes me so anxious.
My sisters delivery never did turn up. She got an email saying they attempted delivery but no one came to the door, which was total lies because I was glued to the door all day! Luckily I've not needed to do this since and when I'm at home normally one of my family is ready to deal with it so I don't have to lolol.
Yes when I lived with family mum always answered the door. She loved ppl coming to the door, gave her an excuse to be nosey at what else might be going on outside lol.
I don't like anyone knocking on my door. Friends know to text in advance and I leave the door unlocked so they can walk in. Luckily this dog can't open unlocked doors, I have owned dogs that could let themselves out!