Published on 12, July, 2020
I have ordered something online. Something I really want, a special treat for having survived a really long bad period. It's a one off, saved for, and I really had to be encouraged by my counselor to do this one nice thing for myself.
It was due yesterday 11-12. 6pm the app says "sorry we missed you". I have a meltdown because I'm my head it's my fault, they missed me therefore I can't have been listening properly. It's rescheduled for today
Due today 2-3pm. Same thing happens.
Now rescheduled for Monday.
I have been in waiting mode for 2 days. It's hard to do anything else at all. Yesterday I didn't eat because I was so eager to get it, restless from waiting, jumping every time the dog barked (and she barks at everything) and then too dysregulated after the failed delivery.
Today I sat in silence on the sofa waiting. No sleep last night so unable to find things to occupy myself today. Watched the delivery app. I put a sign on the door saying "I am here, make the dog bark and I'll know you're there" . I paced. I paced a lot. 5:45 I'm next on the list. Ping. "We're sorry we missed you" app shows him exiting the village.
Boom. Meltdown. I don't deserve nice things. This is punishment for wasting money. Horrible thoughts about my failings. Clearly I did something wrong.
Mate came round and dealt with the deliver company but they'll only retry on Monday, and only once more. I can't afford to lose the money I spent on this so that's causing more stress. I swear they have not been here. My dog reacts to anyone outside, the repair man this morning didn't even get to knock and she was going nuts.
Now I'm stuck in a cycle of waiting. I had planned to use the thing this weekend. Now i have no plan for the weekend, I'm tired, I hurt myself in meltdown, and I'm ashamed that someone else had to sort out the delivery company on my behalf. I'm also stuck on the "why wasn't it delivered" I need answers and I can't seem to let it go
Hi Max,
I’m sorry - that sounds very stressful. I also get stressed waiting for deliveries - and feel unable to do much else while I’m waiting. Delivery companies vary a lot and some are pretty useless. I often have deliveries where they don’t knock on the door but just leave the parcel on the step in full view of the road. Very annoying. Hopefully things will go well on Monday. They really might - so don’t lose hope. I think your idea of putting a note on the door is a really good idea. Try not to turn on yourself and blame yourself for this - it’s not your fault that the delivery company seems to be a bit useless. Try to find something interesting you can focus on over the weekend, something you can get really involved in - so that you don’t focus on the parcel the whole weekend. Think about this moment - this day - not Monday. Try to live in the moment and enjoy that, rather than putting all your thoughts and energy into thinking about the parcel. It will arrive eventually.