Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm actually already feeling better since jumping on this forum today but I just wanted to get a bit of sympathy after my meltdown this morning. Things have been much better for me recently. But I've been sick and so I have less spoons to deal with. The plan today was to help my Dad take the old shed down and maybe cut his hair. There are not many days left in the year where we can do it so when I woke up with a little energy I was feeling positive about getting it done today. Still, because I've been sick and I've been swamped with gathering evidence for my PIP application, I hadn't managed to wash or do my laundry the day before, I hadn't had a bath in 3 days!So I said "I wanna throw some laundry in, change my sheets, and have a bath, then we can get on with it.""Alright" he says, and I go about it. I get everything done, then it's time to have a bath. So I run a lovely hot bath and ease myself in. I don't even TRY and tell people I'll try and be quick in the bath or shower anymore. I NEED that time to let my brain and body float. And I felt so greasy and horrible. 3 days! So I'm in the bath, so lovely and hot. And what does the old man do? Well he thinks to himself, while J's in the bath, I'll make meself useful, I'll mow the lawn. The bathroom wall faces the garden. I'm in the bath, I don't have my earplugs, I don't have my headphones, I'm all soapy.It stops and starts. So I try and cover and uncover my ears, and inbetween do the soaping and rinsing. I get confused, I don't know what I've soaped and what I haven't soaped and it stops and starts so quickly I barely get a chance, I'm trying to think of what to do when it starts again and the switch is flipped, I start screaming. He can't hear me. I think it's stopped, I try and open the window so i can shout at him, as soon as i open it I hear it, I slam the window shut. Then it's a blur. Jug throwing, bath punching, head punching, arm biting. I think *** it, I'm all soapey but i grab my towel and run out of the bathroom and up to my room and try and wait it out. It doesn't stop, my earplugs aren't strong enough, more screaming, a blur My main hand hurts from hitting the bath I grab a small laptop and try and connect it to my headphones but it doesn't work. Anyway I manage to make my earplugs stronger, and decide to get back in the bath with them in. Then that's basically the end of it. But I feel like I've been beaten up, and I'm exhausted. Everytime I go upstairs I'm dragging on all fours. So it was a lot. One good thing: it wasn't emotionally upsetting or scary. I was non-verbal by that point so when I hear the old man come in i grab my notebook and go down and tell him. He feels terrible of course. He apologises, it's okay. I know he'll check with me next time. That was always the worst thing about a meltdown, the loneliness, the knowing that any attempt to try and explain what happened with not even being able to speak, will probably fall flat on its arshe. But now, my Dad knows what a meltdown is. So I only have to write "Meltdown". So much less to explain. I am bruised and battered and exhausted but emotionally? I'm okay. I feel loved and understood. I wrote "I can't do nothing today now. Sorry." He said "It's alright. It is what it is."Yeah. It is what it is.EDIT: Have you had a meltdown recently? What triggered it and how are you doing?
Wow you certainly aimed to take on a lot all in one day, changing sheets, laundry, a bath, the shed, cutting hair That would be weeks worth of tasks for me. I've managed one off that list today and that was an achievement! My laundry backlog is currently measured in months rather than weeks
I can certainly relate to your meltdown being triggered by noise. I always try to have my bath late at night, when less likely to be disturbed by external noise. However sometimes one of the neighbours dogs starts yapping and that can be enough to trigger a meltdown.
Look after yourself and take it easy as a meltdown like that is always exhausting. I hope you haven't done any lasting damage to your hand. It's good that your dad is understanding.
Ahh I used to work in a launderette, I have met many of your kind, the month-measuring laundry people, with your large and cumbersome sacks. You are very different from me, but you are good and honourable people :) You guys have A LOT more clothes than I do.Also for the reason of having worked in a launderette for 7 years, laundry is nothing to me, I like doing my laundry.Yeah it's true it's a lot. I'm kind of an all or nothing person activity-wise. When I am having an active day I don't even like to take a lunch break, I like to eat and drink on the go and keep the momentum going. This is actually, ironically perhaps, even more true since I re-structured my life to try and prevent burn-out. This very active part of my nature has given me very bad autistic fatigue and burn-out around about twice a year for my entire adult life. I now have set rest days every week, Monday and Friday, and usually one of the weekend days or both. And my active days are Tuesday (for housework and life admin), Wednesday and Thursday. Because I plan everything, and I plan to do tasks on active days and only on active days, my active days are very active, and I feel very motivated to do my tasks. And this actually suits me just fine. I know that on Friday I'm gonna spend the whole day in bed.In fact, after I posted this thread I was feeling a little better, and I looked out of the window at the shed, it's a beautiful sunny autumn day, and my Dad had already made a bit of a start. I thought "you know what, there's actually nothing I'd rather do right now than grab some tools and take that shed apart." So I did! I really did think I was done for the day, I was completely wiped after the meltdown, but for some reason it felt right.But those kinds of tasks for me are also ones that make me feel good and happy. Going to the shops and cooking on the other hand take up way more spoons.re hand: Thank you! My hand is just bruised I think, it hurts a little, but I haven't lost any function.