Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm sure I can't be the only one but I really feel like I am.
For reference I've always had them. As a kid I was punished for them and prior to diagnosis I thought I was 'mad' and would be sectioned if I told anyone about them. I hid in toilets thru school and work so no-one saw. It was only when I realized I was autistic that they made any kind of sense at all.
Whilst I understand meltdowns are normal for us I can't forgive myself for them. No details but I hurt myself a good deal, never anyone else. I contain everything I can until I burst, and when I know I can't avoid it I run so no-one sees.
Does anyone have any tips for accepting this part of being autistic?
Thanks in advance folks
This part of being autistic is also hard for me. I don't think my meltdowns are as bad as yours, but I used to feel really bad about them as I couldn't rationalize my behavior. And I usually take pride in acting rationally. And injuring myself during a meltdown made no sense to me and made me feel shameful. Never let others know. Which made me put a lid on the meltdown until I was alone. But similar to a pressure cooker, that also made the meltdown worse. Maybe similar to your "until I burst".
With professional help, I put in practice a lot of things like sensory management, stress reduction techniques, identifying triggers. It helped to have less meltdowns, but in the end I did not find a way to completely accept this part of being autistic (sorry). Apparently self-compassion is the way to go to accept this, but it is easier said than done :/
But slowly, despite the shame and the need to put a lid on it, I am trying to allow 'mini-tiny-meltdowns' in friendly company. To my suprise, those people eventually got used to them (not at first, but eventually). Those mini meltdowns don't solve anything but seeing people get used to them helped me feel less shameful about it :)Just my own experience, maybe it helps