Published on 12, July, 2020
When it was first suggested to me that I might be autistic I began watching various autistic influencers on YouTube and read books by similar people.
But one glaring thing stuck out for me, and I’ve just come across another example. Specifically, these influencers without exception seem to be married, be in a relationship, have children.
And yet for me the single most life-ruining aspect of my condition is my utter inability to form relationships. It’s like everyone else has telepathy and I don’t. I thought this was one of the defining characteristics of autism.
So are these high profile authors and videographers representative of autistic people or am I the sad exception?
I think that autistic women find that starting a relationship, at least, is easier for them than it is for autistic men, because it is socially expected that men will take a more active role in initiating 'romance'. This does not mean that female autists do not have problems, for example they are more prone to become involved in abusive relationships than their neurotypical peers. I'm autistic and have been married for 27 years and have two talented, neurodivergent, children. I found it impossible to form romantic connections for many years. I was undiagnosed but recognised, eventually, that I had a number of problems. I had difficulty in recognising when a woman found me attractive, though I sometimes recognised it when it was far too late. I was also - probably because I could not recognise non-verbal signalling - very inhibited from making my interest in anyone obvious, for fear of rejection. I think that I also appeared emotionally unavailable. I eventually solved this by researching non-verbal communication, so I had at least an intellectual grasp of it, and, by an effort of will, making myself socially brave, so that I took risks in approaching women I found attractive and possibly being rejected. I was so successful, that at the beginning of my relationship with my future wife, she said that I was amazingly emotionally open.
For me having a partner would be like winning the biggest lottery ever. Affection, love and human connection seem to be regarded as basic human needs and rights, but for some reason I was excluded birth. Handed a ticket that says “but not for you”
It certainly is not easy to do what I did. I think that autistics have a heightened fear of rejection and that rejection has a greater negative impact on us. I was largely fuelled by a sort of desperation, after years of frustration. I knew I was reasonably physically attractive, kind, honest, loyal and possessed of a well-developed, if slightly unconventional, sense of humour - I can even produce the odd flash of wit - but was getting nowhere.